Posted by Nancy (198.247.5.240) on October 02, 1999 at 10:16:45:
in keeping the theme this wk...here's one
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says,"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation,"
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000.00. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000.00 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims
to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.00. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
(Are you ready???)
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Groans accepted.
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come
back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"Well, what is it like?"
"Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun,then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime.
And, then, I start all over again the next day."
"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
**************************************************
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor," 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, " I didn't say that! I said you've got a heart murmur. BE CAREFUL!"
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Christmas Horse
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a
traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that you?"
The kid says, " Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a bicycle safety
violationticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, Wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
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These are "actual" [it says] excuse notes from parents,
(including original spelling). They were collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch,Galveston.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She is sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administration.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he has two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school today CUs he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He has diahre
dyreadire...
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. he had dirrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Mayrann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, head-ache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother has a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines
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The Mortgage
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages.
I'm Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary?
Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.
So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, 4-something
acres, as I recall. That's $2.2 million, and, with the
customary 20 percent down - that's $440,000 - that leaves
a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do these kinds
of deals all the time.
Now let's just have a look at your financial statements.
Let's see. Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the
United States, of course, and your salary is - oh, dear -$200,000 a year. We usually recommend buying a house that costs no more than two-and-a-half times your annual salary.
That means you should be looking for something around
$500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood? And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so.
What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock,
Arkansas. Wow! I bet that will be some kind of money-maker.
Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Let's see.
Senators are paid $130,000 a year - assuming, of course, you're elected - so even with Bill's pensions, you should still be looking for a house in the $325,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall colonial where the schools aren't so good.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the home since
1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see.
You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national
health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words.
But I see you had several business ventures back in
Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.?
It went bankrupt.
And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt.
And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too.
If you had gone to Yale Business School instead of Yale
Law, you could probably get your money back.
Now, don't get upset. It was just a little joke.
A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of
your business partners went to jail? Maybe you could
get your money back.
This is an embarrassing question, I know, but we have
to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability
to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.
Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad.
Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But oh, those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole.
How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund. So basically, you're relying on the charity of strangers.
You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford
has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to
medical school? Ouch!
And Mr. Clinton. There's a little matter of a $90,000
fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting
your law degree to work.
Say, now, how do we know you're not lying on your
loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should know about?
You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first
lady is 'pretty much in the clear indictment-wise'. What does that mean? You don't think - don't think - she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right?
That means there's the remote possibility - note that I
say 'remote'- that you could be trying to pay off a
$1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour
stitching mailbags for the feds and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.
Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only with great charity be described as 'checkered' plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford. So, congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee
family of home-owners.
You've got your mortgage!
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Twas the night before Y2K, And all through the nation, We'd soon see the bug that, Caused such a sensation. The chips were replaced, In computers
with care, In hopes that ol' Bugsy, Wouldn't stop there. While some folks could think, they were snug in their beds, Others had visions, Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC, And I with my Mac Had just logged on the Net, And kicked back with a snack When over the server, There arose such a clatter,
I called Mister Gates, to see what was the matter. But he was away, So I flew like a flash, Off to my bank, To withdraw all my cash. Then word of the shortage, Caused such a demand That the money was gone,
And the streets were all jamm
When what with my wandering eyes should I see on my screen,
But Millennium Bugsy, This must be a dream!
The Hack of all hackers, Was looking so smug, I knew that it must be, The Y2K bug!
His image downloaded, In no time at all. He whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall! "Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compac,
And Pentium too! All processors big, All processors small,Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!" All the controls, That make the planes fly,
And the microwaves for, The signals they rely.
All through the system, To me, and to you, The predictions they made, Would soon all come true. And then came a twinkling, As midnight drew near, All
over the globe, In each hemisphere. As I drew in my breath, And was turning around,Out through the modem, He came with a bound. He was covered with fur, With
six legs outspread, Two beady eyes, And a chip on his head.
With a sack full of virii, Flung on his back, He looked like a hacker, Just waiting to hack. His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry! As
midnight approached, Though, Things soon became scary. His droll little mouth was, Drawn up in a sneer, While he sat like a kid, Waiting out the new year.
Two little antenna, Stuck out of his head, (Improved his reception, from what I've heard said. He had a broad face, and a round little belly, But with six dirty socks, His feet were quite smelly (must be Bob P). He was chubby and plump, Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him, Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know, A new feeling of dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, Then turned with a jerk. With a twitch of his nose, And a quick little wink,
All things electronic, Soon went on the blink. He zoomed from my system, To the next folks on line, He caused such a disruption, Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, With a loud, hearty glee, "This has been fun,
I'll see you next century!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hugs and a smile, Nancy
ps. sorry I missed the last 2 Sats.