Posted by Nancy (188.8.131.52) on October 31, 1999 at 11:13:16:
Gifts for Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and
prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible.
Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach
him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks...."Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor", replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
" Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?
How the Media Would Cover the Apocalypse
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS.
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN?
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE.
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE.
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER.
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING.
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR.
Readers Digest: 'BYE.
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL
LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE.
Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture, download software patch RAPT777.EXE.
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon
was faced with an unique problem: A number of girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on
their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met
them there with the custodian. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors,she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the
toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then
there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
You wont believe these sightings of actual people, actually saying and doing these things.....
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when
she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?"
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it
was a good idea too.
Sighting #6 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
Sighting # 8 (Auto Mechanic):
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
Announcement from Santa.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
1. "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen... "
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry?
That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra.
It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm
On one of the hottest days on record in Texas, the
Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few
minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who
owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and
said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I
just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure
enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse
some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I
want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make
him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Yes, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone
Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and
asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do,
what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
(I JUST LOVE THIS)
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
The National Transportation Safety Board recently
divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five-years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, Oh, Shit!
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, Hey Y'all, watch this!
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says,I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up
out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"
What's green and red and goes 1000 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
A salesman decided to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job. "Well, " he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours are long, but one thing I really like, is that the customer is always wrong."
"Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.
"That good- looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night.
Should I go?" "Oh, my God," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?"
"Wear an old dress."
A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force. The question asked, "If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and was being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty
miles an hour, what would you do?" The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!"
LOVE THIS ONE!!
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He, of
course, tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and,as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane,
your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?".... "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."
A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit. In due time, he received an acknowledgement. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
Concerned that her love-life had quieted down somewhat Miss Lottsabazooma ( . )( . ) went to the doctor for her check-up. Naturally the first thing asked ... "strip off Your clothes." Her doctor noted
that she was a little overweight. "Why don't you diet?" he said. She looked down....... "What color do you suggest?" she replied.
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue." The woman said, "My Walter is bald and
has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave." Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"
Hugs and a smile, Nancy
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