Posted by Nancy (188.8.131.52) on November 06, 1999 at 09:53:04:
Artery.....The study of paintings.
Bacteria.....Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....What doctors do when patients die.
Benign.....What you are after you be eight.
Cesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.....Made eye contact with her.
Colic.....A sheep dog.
Coma.....A punctuation mark.
D & C.....Where Washington is.
Dilate.....To live long.
Enema.....Not a friend.
Fester.....Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.....A small lie.
G.I. Series.....World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.....What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.....Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.....A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.....A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.....Cheaper than day rates.
Node.....Was aware of.
Out patient.....A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.....A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.....Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.....A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.....Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.....Damn near killed him.
Tablet.....A small table.
Terminal Illness.....Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.....More than one.
Urine.....Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.....Near by/close by.
Horse Trading Mule Story
In the rural south, occasionally you will find an older gentleman who still uses a mule to make a garden. If you know what you are doing with
a good mule, you never need a hoe for the grass. Well, there was this old man who had been using a mule for years and it finally died on him. Seeing as he really needed a large garden to hold down food costs, he made a trip to see the mule dealer.
Admittedly, they are rare, but they still exist.
At the dealer's place he was surprised at how much prices for mules had increased in the last 20 years - mules live a long time. After examining the available stock and the leanness of his wallet (he only had $125), he concluded he would have to settle for a mule almost as old as himself. After extensive haggling with the dealer, they settled on a price, the old man made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up his purchase, and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned to be faced with some bad news.
"Jim," said the mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have to tellyou this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden."
Jim replied, "Well bad luck is bad luck, you really can't do anything about it. Where's the mule now?"
"Oh, he's out back, I was just getting out the backhoe to bury him.
Hold on a minute while I get your money for you."
"No, that wouldn't be right, I bought it, you were just holding him as a favor, it's my loss, not yours. But, if you will help me load him in
the truck, I'll see if I can recover a little for him at the dog food plant."
Well, Jim loads up the mule and drives off. A couple of months later the mule dealer happens to drive by Jim's place and is astonished to see Jim working his garden on a NEW $4,000 garden tractor. Leaning on the pickup horn, he calls Jim over and asks him how in the world he managed such a piece of equipment when a couple of months before all he had was $125 for a mule and the mule had died on him.
"Well," Jim explains, "after leaving with the mule, I had this idea and I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,500 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize...Gardening Equipment. Then I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"Like I said, I got it from you."
"Man, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know. That's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet it really made a lot of people mad when they found out about it."
"Naw, not really. The only one really ticked off was the winner, and I gave him his money back."
Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Leroy, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Leroy runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the
preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons
about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly,"Jesus died between two thieves...and that's how I want to die."
(If Dear Abby was Dear Bob)
Q: My fiancée still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best
thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far
from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. It is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to
you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets.
To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on
him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in
the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present
.......and don’t forget to cook that delicious meal.
SCREW BOB and make him take you out to dinner!
OK LADIES!! HERE IS OURS...
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they're plugged into a genius...
Men are like...Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like...Bike Helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like...Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like...Parking Spots. The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.
Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like...Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don' generate much interest.
Men are like...High Heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like...Curling Irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Men are like...Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like...Department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like...Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like...Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like...Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like...Chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like...Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like...Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like...Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like...Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never happened.
Why are men like tile floors?
If you lay 'em properly the first time you can walk all over 'em for years.
Hugs and a smile, Nancy ;)
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