Posted by FREEK (220.127.116.11) on December 16, 1999 at 04:43:43:
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade."
"If you're ever selling you house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him."
"If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving goodbye."
"There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then 'skinned.' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is."
"I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick."
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching."
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."
"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."
"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"
Sometimes I think the so called experts actually are experts."
"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake."
"Instead of a seeing eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!
"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
"Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pine cone? That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests."
"I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex."
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"
"As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out.
'This is the fourth coat crushing this year,' said the police sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow."
"I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
No I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet."
"Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are."
When I can't sleep, I like to read deep thoughts. They remind me that not everything is meaningless, just life
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