Posted by FREEK (18.104.22.168) on December 17, 1999 at 08:48:12:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on
the last day of their life?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like his passengers
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