Don't know how to title this one

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Posted by Ted ( on January 21, 2000 at 19:07:18:

On Saturday, January 15, 2000 a good friend to this board, Angela, died. Some of you know that she and I had
become close over the past few months. Some of you emailed me concerned with my sudden silence earlier this week.
For the most part, I just said that I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to know what I found out the day after it
happened. I didn’t want to think about it and I certainly didn’t want to talk about it. Denial, denial, denial, yes. I did
actually manage to tell someone on the board about it and I thank her for listening. For those of you who didn’t know
her, Angela was an amazing woman who, even through her sufferings, managed to be there for others. This came
from her compassion for everyone. She used to go out and give the homeless her coat when it was cold. Or just talk
to them and let them feel that they weren’t forgotten by all. Again. She was an amazing woman. She was there for me
many times when I needed someone, albeit it, only by phone, mail or e-mail.
Two weeks ago, she began a journey trying to begin a new life. A week ago I came home to 2 messages from her on
my answering machine, but no number to return the call to. She also wrote me two E-mails, but we had agreed earlier
that we should avoid E-mailing each other for a month to ensure that her journey would be successful (long story,
just trust me on that). The following day, she had died. I wanted so badly to get back in touch with her on each of her
attempts to get in touch with me. I just figured that I’d wait that month and then everything would be fine and we can
talk and explain to each other any miscommunications. Well, I don’t have that chance now. And I have to live with
that. And I have to live with the fact that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me most.
Why am I bringing all this extemperanious shit up in this notice of her passing? Frankly, I don’t know. Maybe to get
it off of my chest so I can concentrate properly at work again and not get fired for making so many stupid errors in
one week. Maybe so I won’t have tears running down my face on and off all day. I mean, last night’s bullshitting on
the board was a great diversion and something I very much needed, but it was only a diversion. Maybe I need to try
and unburden this guilt from my soul. She went to her death thinking that I hated her because she hadn’t heard back
from me. That is the furthest from the truth.
To Angela I say goodbye. I love you.

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