On that note

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Posted by Carl D ( on January 22, 2000 at 11:41:13:

In Reply to: Chronic Theories posted by Jack on January 22, 2000 at 11:03:57:

By The way, have you seen this lovely picture of my Doctor?

Maybe I should have corrected by now. After all, I have gone without meds several times, both preventative and abortive, and still the CH's are unchanged.
I do seem to get one sooner (?) if I abort one than I would had I just let it slide. Right now I have hit a point where I just don't give a F#@k anymore what happens. I have been taking the ERCAF, as it is the only relief I get - And I havent told my friends how bad its gotten, as I know they would take it away from me for a while again, but my fingers are starting to stay numb. My toes are cold - and look like they are starting to get a little dark. Yes - I've probably done a dandy on my body, but at this point, I don't care anymore. I am coming to terms with the fact that I will probably be rejected for the third time on my disability hearing - so what is next? Inability to see a doctor who knows what they are doing due to insufficient funds and I know I can't stay where I am at forever, so then what? Sell crack whores (they do thier own profits), deal drugs (Don't think so), become a streetpoet (they eat thier own prophets). My option list isn't that good.
Right now I would settle for crawling into a hole and ceasing to exist - that would be easiest.

As for your theory of another illness possibly being at play in the role of CH - - I definitely have a sleep disorder. I could operate on a 36 hour day instead of a 24 hour day. Even when I was 22 and worked 15 hours a day in a factory, I would still come home, go to bed - lie there awake for hours, get maybe an hours sleep, and get back up for the day.
I think the other major thing I suffer from, Chronic depression - is a direct result of how F#@ked up my life has become from Clusters. Just when you lose everything and think you can't possibly have more to lose - it is snatched up from beneath your eyes. The only thing left of value I don't even value anymore. Yes, I am rambling and probably either making perfect sense - or no sense at all. This is a direct result of major sleep deprivation combined with inhumane torture.
I think I am also learning to understand why some vets snap and lose it: everything builds up inside of you until you cannot hold anymore - and then ...POP!!!!

Oh, and the reason I hate my doc? I have seen her one time (the other two appointments they 'rescheduled' on me due to the fact I didn't have $100.00 to walk in the door.) I have called her office a dozen or so times, and she leaves 'notes' for the nurse. I guess they haven't heard of the concept of actually communicating one to another. She ignored me when I asked for something for the pain - I sent in a paper to see if I could get assistance with my meds - heard nothing in response. Basically, she has done NOTHING for me except make me feel like even more of a loser - because I cant even afford to pay a doc to act like they might give a shit, depending on the day.
Ok, I'll shut up.
Just another waste of human space,

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