Weekend in Review

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Posted by Carl D ( on January 30, 2000 at 05:10:31:

Hey gang,
Just crawled out of my black hole for a few. Haven't been on-line a couple of days. The last two days have been a traumatic battle for me. I am weary and tired of fighting this, but I won't go into detail. After getting some much needed sleep, I am once again going through a period of unrest. Let's just say I am more than exhausted in all respects. Not sure why I am still here dealing with all of this. Anyway...

Since I missed the initial discussions : WEEKEND TOPIC #1, has the study of the hypothalamus yielded any treatments or medicines? I dunno. I haven't been to a doctor since September 1999, and at that the psycho doesn't even know what she is doing. I'm not so sure she even knows what the hypothalamus is - and I have yet to read here that someone is taking even an experimental drug linked to the study of the hypo.

WEEKEND TOPIC #2, What do you hate the most besides the pain of a CH? - I think my answer to that has been painfully obvious all along: I cannot stand the domino effect it has had on my life. It has destroyed me in every way possible. I could've made it in music; I might be married by now; I would still be out on my own - making an independent living for myself; I would still have many friends that are too scared or such to come around anymore; I wouldn't be chronically depressed; I would still be the life of the party; I would be doing gigs both with my band and in my old comedy improv troupe; I would still have an uncontrollable zest for life and will to experience all things;All the money I have spent on meds, docs and tests would've been used on gear, music - and promoting my first album (which, thanks to CH is just another sick pipedream)... in a nutshell - the thing I hate worst besides the pain is that it has robbed me of who I am and what I once was. I not only hate CH, the pain and the domino effects - but in time I have actually begun to hate myself.

I met a girl I really like, but I cannot tell her. I am not me anymore anyway. She might have been interested in me a long time ago, but there is no way someone could be interested in the shell of a man I am now. And it hurts. Especially to know the rest of my life will probably be this way. I feel like a waste of human space. The only feelings I am allowed to feel anymore is pain, torture and rejection. I smile on the outside, and I am exploding inside. Ok, sorry - enough of my depressing sh!^. Just tired and don't have my thinking cap on.

It is snowing. It is building up on the ground again. I used to love it, but now it depresses the crap outta me. I think my next attack this morning I will go out in my undies and just bury my head in the snow. It may not actually help - but at least I will feel like I did something other than just rocking back and forth and crying my brains out. Had an attack at 11:45 tonight and had to resist the temptation to ram my head into the brick wall as hard as I could over and over again. Instead, I just beat it on the floor a bit. Anyway...

I guess I'll slip back into my black hole again. I kind of hate life and all of its trappings right now, and I have stopped working on the book and working on music. Not only am I going through hell with the CH's, but I am also going through a fit of writers block. Each component in itself is enough to bring someone low - but combined, I feel like a trapped animal who just gnawed off the wrong arm to get away.

Glad I haven't been on the board lately too. You all know my intolerance of ignorance - and I probably would've posted a few things to prove my own. Wish I had something deep to finish this with, or a good tip or something, but in closing let me just say...
I've had enough. This indeed truly and thoroughly sucks!


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