No Mas!

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Posted by Bob ( on February 07, 2000 at 09:51:51:

Since finding this site I have been torn apart emotionally. On the one hand it is good (is that sick?) to know that other people actually do know and feel what hell I live through. On the other hand it sets me into a deeper state of depression as I read about those who have been suffering this hell for decades.
I am at this point physically and emotionally drained. I have no desire what-so-ever to go on any longer!! This has ruined the lives of my family. How much suffering is one person supposed to endure before they are justified in ending it?
Guilt trips are laid upon you about how you ending it will effect those around you. What about me???? It is easy for others to cast judgement on others when they have no idea what the hell they are talking about. I do not understand how someone who claims to love a person would not HELP this person end the pain.
I have been suffering from CH for about 10 years now. The past 3 years have been getting worse and worse. Periods of remission have gotten shorter and shorter while the frequency, intensity and duration have all increased.The past 2 months have been PURE HELL! No breaks, no rest. I am just tired. Tired of it all!!! The pain, the pills, the needles, the depression and the fear. You may look down on me as being weak or childish for giving up but I can not take it anymore.
I've been to the Psych. ward on several occasions due to CH and I'm not going back again. I just want peace and no pain. I pray every day that my heart will give out during the attacks but it never happens. There comes a time when you feel backed into a corner and only have one tiny little crack through which to escape. The crack is very, very small and you think there is no way you could fit through it. It scares you to force yourself to squeeze through this small escape hatch but it really is the only way out. Hopefully those around me (my wife and kids) will understand that I have escaped as much for them as for myself. They have suffered too much for too long. Because of me their lives are hell. I know that after my escape they will be able to get on with a normal life. Most people think I'm "crazy" anyway. What a baby, making such a big deal over a headache.
Others have given in to it, so can I. To all of you SUPERIOR beings who look down on a quitter, God bless you for having the strength, stability and support to drive on. I am completely drained!!!!!!!
I pray that a cure for CH is found soon so that no one else would EVER have to suffer like this again. Funny that we can send a man to the moon but we can't stop a headache.

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