Posted by Nique (207.61.107.45) on February 07, 2000 at 14:22:13:
just when I thought there was some hope we have been crushed again, the massage does nothing anymore. He woke at 2:30am with a kip10 and it has only ended at 11:30 this morning. 9 hours of the worst hell I can imagine and all I can do is stand by and watch this incredibly huge muscular man cruple to the ground writhing in agony, pacing, rocking, wheeping. I am crying so hard right now I can't hardly see the screen,..I can't believe we (that includes all of you) have to keep going through this over and over again. He is so exausted and sore that he can hardly move, he hasn't slept and is scared to death to try. I don't experience the pain and I can't imagine going on, how you do all do this and keep doing it. 20 years and I still feel this! I am so tired and sore too, the MS has kicked in again and we are both a mess, which just serves to make him feel guilty about making me sick again which triggers more stress and anxiatey, more pain and so it goes on....
I know how all of you feel when you think about taking your own lives. I understand and I don't even get the CH's. But just having to watch Greg go through this year after year after year,...I sometimes am amazed that he has survived as long as he has. I am amazed and I am eternally greatful that he continues to endure this horrible hell cause I could not imagine my life with out this incredible man at my side, nor with out his ever loving support with the kids. I need him so bad and I couldn't think of going on without him. That he manages to every time only endears him to me all the more, because I know beyond a doubt if he was alone he would have checked out long ago. It is only for me and the kids that he endures this awful tourture. You (all of you) are forever in my heart and prayers, all of you have garnered my utmost respect and admiration for what you have learned to cope with and to continue the fight. Thank you again for being there. It is the first time in 20 years that I can communicate these things with people that really understand. What a blessing you all are to me right now. I may be wheeping right now, but I am stregthened by just being able to do this. Thanks for listening,....always
nique