Posted by Jonathan on November 10, 1998 at 05:33:35:
In Reply to: Jonathon - are you in circulation yet? posted by maggie on November 09, 1998 at 12:09:08:
Hi Maggie,
Sorry but I'm still down about everything at the moment.. I'm putting on a brave face, but it's hard work.. I mostly feel angry right now.. Angry that the doctors let me continue a drug that caused me so much psychological damage that I pushed my friends and my lover to leave me. ( I know medicine is not an exact science, and they couldn't foresee what was ahead, but they should have monitored me more often and not let me destroy myself) I was in control of nothing I was saying, and that's almost impossible for people to understand. The drugs really screwed me up. I keep warning all of you to be careful with steroids Prednisone/Prednisolone. It may work, but on a long tern basis it can have some very hard psychological mind changing effects. I am off them now and on Sodium Volporate, which they promise me have no mind reported mind changing effects. But I live in fear now, and have trouble dealing with life in general. My lover left me because of things I said about wanting to die and wanting to leave everyone because the pain was too much. He couldn't understand why and how I could say something like that and love him. I was paranoid about everything and every one, I lashed out, one minute I seamed happy the next screaming at people. I lost the plot and now I've realised I don't have a plot anymore. I find waking up in the morning difficult, I find eating difficult, shit everything is so dam difficult. I've lost hope in life. I'm so worried about the drugs and what they might do to me next. Will my next partner (or if Wilf ever comes back to me), will he run the next time I slip down the horrible tragic road of bad drugs. Who would love me when I cant be sure of who I am anymore. Who am I. What's happened to me. I had a lover a good career and a large house in central London. I had a life and now most it's slipping away from me, Wilf is gone, my job are concerned how much more time I will take off. They watch me with my bottle of Oxygen and I feel embarrassed. I go to meetings and am so off my face with drugs that I can remember little or nothing at all. I slip into trances. I need the job to pay the mortgage, a mortgage that is way above my means, something I thought would be a good idea for the future, so I could by a smaller place with smaller mortgage and share it with my soul mate. But everything is under attack. I'm trying to pull myself through each day as it comes one step at a time, but the days are getting harder, the nights shorter and more painful. If I'm not thinking about my ex lover then I'm worried about the pain or the effect of the drugs or how people will react and do react to my pain when they see me with it. I have stopped talking to most people because I'm worried I could lash out at them like the others. I don't want a lover right now but I miss the comfort of knowing I have one. I miss having a life and a mind that is compos mentis. I'm sure of nothing, And it appears that nothing is sure of me either.
What is the purpose to all this, and what is the listening that I should realise. I can be sure of nothing and know one when I am not sure of me.
Thanks for your concern Maggie but I'm not ready for the world yet. Please excuse my venting. Sorry.
PS. I am trying to fight, I try to show interest in people and reply to email etc. It's just my desire has gone.