Anti-Smoking Crusade - Results Are In!

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Posted by Jack ( on February 19, 2000 at 10:01:34:

Real Good News.

Every smoker has changed their behavior since I began my anti-smoking crusade.

The results are as follows:

1) .75% have reduced or stopped their smoking
2)99.25% have actually increased their smoking

Some further analysis has revealed that the root cause of this dramatic behavior change is as follows:
1) they got a little scared and decided to take my advice
2) they got real scared, anxious and worried and did what they always do when feeling those emotions – they smoked ( a lot more ).

Now here comes the real good news.

Those who have reduced or stopped their smoking may live a little longer than they otherwise would have, and may, in fact, live long enough to outlive their clusters.

Those who have increased their smoking have accelerated their quest for a cardiovascular event ( one of my favorite euphemisms ). Studies have demonstrated that if one has a cardiovascular event such as a heart attack earlier rather than later ( say in your 40s rather than your 60s ) then one has a much greater chance of ‘buying the farm” (another favorite euphemism) than if one has the first heart attack later in life. The upside of this earlier purchase of the farm is that you will be rid of your clusters. If you should survive this earlier heart attack, studies show us that your heart will compensate, grow new capillaries and such , and that your chances for a long life and survival of subsequent heart attacks increases rather dramatically. So, to sum up – it is a Win Win kid of situation. There is a lot to be said for self-destruction. By increasing your smoking you have taken control of our destiny.

I should add a couple of notes here:

Couple of wise guys tried to beat the system by increasing their smoking in a devious manner. I am gonna shame them in our public forum for their own good.

Todd – actually smoked his usual 40 butts per day ( he always smokes 40, never more never less – that is a whole other story - kid of relates to what he does with his socks in his hamper ) BUT he cut off the filters to increase his toxic intake. Sorry pal – you have increased in my database.

Susan – sue has a habit of lighting cigarettes and forgetting that they are lit. Her all time record was 14 cigarettes at one time – I believe it was 3 in the kitchen, 5 in the family room, 2 in the utility room, and 4 in the bedroom – all at one time. Since my crusade began she has lit fewer and is actually smoking them all. Sorry Sue – you have increased your smoking.

An Anti-smoking crusade is a very lonely business but it sure makes me feel smugly superior.

Your friend,


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