Posted by Nancy (126.96.36.199) on March 04, 2000 at 13:11:53:
Occasionally, flight attendants make an effort to make the "in flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee..... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot ---- "Folks we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land....it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After Landing: "Thanks you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National(Ronald Reagan Airport), a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA".
5. After a particularly rough landing during a thunderstorm in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee..... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 123 to XYZ. To operate your seatbelt, insert the small metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab a mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off this plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: " We are pleased to have some of the best attendants in the industry......Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight....."
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it after an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant come on the PA and announced, "Welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline.
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, " Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no
Ma'am" said the pilot, "what is it?" the little old lady said "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man
give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile
sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite
Man who eat many prunes get good run
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls
Panties not best thing on earth but
next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right,
war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon
find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no
peace at night.
It takes many nails to build crib but
one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should
change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well
often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own
Crowded elevator smells different to
Volunteer Fire Truck
A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department
could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance,the call was made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped!
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the
blaze into two easily-controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing
we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
A Few For The Pun Lovers
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled,
"Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38's!"
1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter, these are my antiques!
7. If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.
8. If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.
9. Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
10. "Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!
11. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
12. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
13. Take my advice, I'm not using it!
14. Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
15. You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
16. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
17. I love to give homemade gifts ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
18. I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!
19. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
20. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
21. I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so much it caught my underwear on fire!
The Dr appointment
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
2. For Lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
3. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
4. Don't burden him with chores.
5. Don't discuss your problems with him.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
HUGS AND A SMILE,
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