The answer

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Posted by sailpappy ( on March 04, 2000 at 19:23:28:

In Reply to: Hey Sailpappy......... posted by Paul on March 04, 2000 at 18:52:16:

Percivere? You mean survive? I owe a lot to my parents, they were both uneducated,mean and drank like fish. Sounds a little harsh but watching my Dad be mean to my Mom and all of the 5 children. Well I set off early in life to be different than that.
I realized early on that you have to strive to achieve your goals (Which you first have to be aware that you have to set goals) I wanted a wife so I could prove to the world that your not a carbon copy of your parents.(As far as ABUSE)
With the headache syndrome, I started self medicating in Viet Nam with heroin because no one would even listen when I told them this was happening. I was having 7 to 10 attacks a day the whole time until I found the horsedance. I got so caught up in the getting high that I forgot all about the headaches until I caught hepatitis and decided to clean my act up. I had a friend lock me in his house for 2 weeks and Kicked the habit. Pretty serious stuff, Convulsions,total body cramps projectile vomiting and days and days of seeing things that weren't there,begging to be let out and craving the heroin, along with 10 or more attacks a day.
I jumped off the horsedance wagon just in time to save my self, My partners that used together robbed a gas station and killed the attendent, on the way to pull this job off I had them drop me at the hospital.
All of that was ancient history, I almost died back then from Hepatitis B, now 30 years later I'm fighting the Hepatitis C that I had all this time and they didn't catch until about 2 years ago.
All of these things taught me that if it doesn't feel right create a crisis and see what the out come would be, base your decision on that out come.
I almost gave up a few times(Made the video,wrote the letters and made the arrangments) then I created the outcome in my mind and I couln't leave that legacy for my Wife and Kids to have to deal with.
Realizing that I'll probably have this condition until I die (CH'S) and not wanting to go before I have to I had to accept a few facts and live with them daily.
#1. I will not die from an attack.
#2. Medication for the most part can't be relied on.
#3. There will be another attack as sure as I had the one before.
#4. I have to minimize the impact my CH problem has on others around me!
#5 I have to pay taxes!
I made it hard on myself for a long time by allowing myself to go to the "Why Me Zone" the "What did I do to deserve this zone" you know the "Please make it stop! God!!zone"
When I realized I didn't have to let that happen it was like a weight off my head! Even in 10+ attqacks I dont allow myself to fall into the mental self pity trap. I guess the answer to your question is either I don't really know Or Because I love everyone so much I learned to keep it as hidden as possible. Sailpappy

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