UK Humour - Irony and Irons

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Posted by Don Pearson UK ( on March 18, 2000 at 04:29:10:

Well, can you imagine? There I was last night, head in hands, just back from the Humourists (Attempted) Self-Flagellation Society meeting when my son mentioned that Smith and Wesson have produced a new safer gun. I am not sure whether he was winding me up but it doesn't matter. I was suddenly struck with admiration for S&W, whose devotion to duty seems unmatched since the stewards on the Titanic ensured that the champagne remained on ice throughout that terrible night. I then considered the magnificent efforts of the NRA who, I am sure, will continue to make these things possible. Although my enthusiasm was tinged with some sadness that I should live in a country where many of the benefits will pass us by, I began to speculate as to the exact nature of the miracle. Of course, the truth may be more prosaic and my learning it may have to wait until someone points a gun at me. By that time, no doubt, millions of Americans will have traded in their old unsafe guns for the new model. I do not even know whether this is a hand gun, a heavy-calibre machine gun or an artillery piece redesigned to fire only leaflets. I have envisaged a simple, but effective, child-proof safety catch rather like those on medicine bottles. I can see the advantage; people will now be able to leave guns lying around, like medicines, without having to worry about their kids. I also visualised a mechanism so complicated that only MIT graduates could work it out and ensuring that only the really bright could shoot each other. However, when I phoned Smith and Wesson, I was told that was a model as yet unveiled and asked how I had heard about it. My suspicion is that the feature will be no more than a combination lock, entered by a digital key pad. It will ensure that only the owner can use it and provide some time for thought while he remembers the number, but it is hardly high-tech. I have no doubt that there will be wide market appeal, amongst others to bank robbers and hijackers who will be able to assure their hostages that, "Nobody's going to get hurt".

Someone at the door, again. Byeee for now. Bang.

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