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Posted by Carl D ( on April 15, 2000 at 12:12:34:

Once again, I am overwhelmed. I can't believe what you guys have done for me. I have said it before and I will say it again: If it were not for CH.Com and the love and compassion of so many of you - I would without a doubt be dead by now. I still didn't sleep again last night but, the Ultram is helping with the shadows, my teeth no longer hurt, and it is helping take the edge off of the CH attacks (a 10 to an 8, an 8 to a 6). Some may scoff at that, but some relief is better than none. I at least feel better than I did this time yesterday.
I wasn't even thinking yesterday, but after I left my post, Dennis O'Conner called me and talked for a bit. It was the first time we've spoken, and I felt a little better after talking to him. He told me Elaine wanted me to call her collect, so I did. She reminded me of the medical fund and told me if I needed medicine - that's what the fund is there for. I didn't even think about that. For supposedly being intelligrunt, I half think most of the time (not to mention my brain is so cluttered right now, I can't even stink thraight.) I called my doctor's office and told them I was building up a tolerance to the Vicoprofen - so they switched me to Ultram for the time being. When that loses it's effect, I'll go back to the Vic. By then though, hopefully I will be able to see the doctor.
Elaine found a doctor named Dr. Kim and said she got a good impression of him after talking to the receptionist. I just forgot to ask if she set up an appointment yet (hopefully so.)
Elaine, if you did so - please let me know.

Due to the fact I am limited to my internet time - I have to respond to you all within this post. That sucks I know - but what else can I do for now?

Tracy - I am glad you stayed around and don't hate me after my harsh post. Also, I understand why you can't contribute to my medical fund - trust me, I know what it is like to be dirt poor. Your kind words and encouraging post we're far more than money can buy. Thanks for caring. I know the board kinda confused you at first, but I think now you have a better understanding of who we are and why we're here. Stick around - you're one of us.

Jonny - dude, you just rock!

Todd - sorry you've gone down a hard road too (I think everyone with CH has to an extent.) I know I am a bit of a whiner sometimes, but thanks for understanding. I know to you older (notice I didn't say old) guys I probably seem like an idiot whimpering about turning thirty and not accomplishing jack-squat in the time I've taken up space on this planet. I just feel like I should be so much more than what I am and should have done so much more than I have. Hopefully when I finish "Snapped", Things will change and I will at least feel like I've done something that matters. And yes, if you get a new system and wish to send me your old one - that would be more than ultra mega cool. I don't know what to say except thanks a megabyte!

Kenn - you are another example of inner strength. I am truly sorry for the loss you have experienced recently, and the emotional battles you are facing with your wife and mother both battling cancer. All of that on top of CH. Sorry I made you post. It is people like you who make me feel ashamed of myself for bitching about how bad things are, when you are dealing with an emotional hell all of your own. It is also people like you who show me that no matter how far apart the rungs are, you still have to reach with everything you've got to move up the ladder. I do hope things get better and that, like Elaine, Your wife and mother beat Mr. C. Thanks for being here. Remember, we're always here for you and anytime you want to - send me a email. Hopefully I can lend an ear when you need one. I'm not much for listening to the blues - as they bring me down, but after what I've gone through - I don't know all of the blues scales or the tech-stuff, but I know how to make a note sing, scream or cry. I've learned an instrument can be a voice too. Here's a thought: if you come to the convention -provided I can make it there (come hell or highwater), bring your horn. We'll kick the band offstage and you, Drummer, myself, and anyone else who can play will have an improv jam. Heck, maybe we can even record it and put out an album: "Shadow Sounds - by The Clusterheads".

Bob P - you rule!!!

Margi - You too!!!

Riccardo - Thanks for the Guitar photo. It will be hanging on my wall for a long time to come.

Dennis - Thanks for calling in my hour of despair.

Elaine - I don't know what I would do without you (yes I do, I would be leaving another misery-filled post right now.) Thanks a bunch Ms Holloman.

Drummer - Though you are mis-interpreted often, you are our resident idiot! I love ya man.

Phil C - If your reading this, you've been a good friend. Thanks for all you've done for me.

And you know what? I could sit here all day thinking of the countless people here at who have been a blessing, an inspiration, and a friend. I love you guys more than you know. For those who do not view us as a family, I hope you've realized just how wrong you are by now. I am almost closer to some of these 'strangers' than I am to my own family. Actually, with the exception of my brothers and 3 of my cousins (Missy, Amanda & Shannon), I AM closer to you guys than I am any of my relatives.
Also, those of you who have dared to scoff as to why you should bother to join O.U.C.H. - I hope the posts the last couple of days has answered your question. OUCH is not only here to educate the public at large, but also to help those who truly need it. As OUCH grows in numbers, they will be able to help more CH'ers - but not without the donations needed from those who can. OUCH is here for the CHeads, I am proof of that. Without Elaine and OUCH, I would be up the creek.
Become a member and support OUCH. You never know - it might be you someday in need of funds for doctors or medicine. Don't be too quick to scoff at that statement either. I was episodic for ten years before I became chronic. I never though I would see the day my life would be turned upside down. I can happen to anyone of us. It is good to know that there is help available.


Carl D

P.S. - I am only slightly embarrased, as I have typed all of this in the nude.

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