The Party's over.........already!

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Posted by Carl D ( on April 26, 2000 at 13:23:00:

Here I was all amped out and everything. Was even thinking last night about leaving a post titled "PFD #2". Unfortunately, I can't honestly do that.

I went to bed around 12:30 last night after cranking some tunes in the headphones and playing solitaire. I woke up about 2:30 with a god-awful 10+! Of course it woke me up in the usual fashion: Dead-deep sleep one minute, the next - bolting upright in bed with tears pouring down my face in extreme agony. Lasted an hour and, I hoped maybe it was the beasts farewell kiss or something, maybe just one last good slam before the cycle could be officially over. I am beginning to think I will never be that lucky and that going out of cycle is just a pipe dream. Laid back down after the attack subsided and awoke again at 6:30 in the exact same manner with another 10+. I decided "ok, I'm not gonna lay back down and maybe that will stop this again. Not so. Began shadowing heavy after the 6:30 attack, tapered off around 9:30am, and then around 10:00am or so, went back into ANOTHER FREAKING ATTACK!!! Now I am shadowing again and back to the "it hurts when I bend over" scene. Great. And here I was totally excited, thinking I was gonna be myself again. I was really hoping so. In fact, I was thinking last night that after being pain-free for a couple of weeks and catching up on some sleep, I could re-introduce myself to all of you, as you really have not met me yet.

I don't know about y'all, But I become someone totally different when I am going through CH's. I am not myself by any stretch of the imagination. It's like I have a Jekyl/Hyde inside of me. Jekyl is who I normally am - hyper, comical, happy-go-lucky, a go-getter, get-things-done, on the ball type of person. I guess you could say I am the guy everybody wants to be around. When I was working, everybody wanted to work the same shift as I did, because I would crack jokes and just be a hyper-happy person who could make anyone forget they were having a bad day. Hyde, on the other hand (the CH sufferer) is majorly depressed, cynical to the core, sluggishly dragging myself anywhere I go, strained, despondent, easily upset, unmotivated, etc. The guy no one wants to be around. You can ask Drummer how different I sounded yesterday in my ampedness compared to how I usually sound. I'm sure he probably noticed the difference.

I was really hoping that this was the end of the CH for awhile. I miss me. My friends and family miss me - as a consequence of finding this board after the first 14 months of this cycle, you guys haven't even met me yet. Doesn't look like you'll get to for a while.
So, I am back on the Hydrocodone again. It helps alot, but wish it would do more. I will probably run out (again) by tonight, as the docs office said they would give me 60 tabs but the pharmacy (Which is really beginning to piss me off) only gave me 30 tabs. I go to my GP Friday morning and can't get anything else until then. Hopefully he will show some mercy and if he has any samples - will turn me on to them instead of having to eat into the medical fund again. I would really like to save that for the Neuro visit; which will hopefully be forthcoming soon also.

After having my hopes crushed, I'm mentally exhausted.
Hey, I want to thank you guys again for the Birthday wishes. I find it funny that the people I call friends around here didn't even bother to call me on my darkest of days to just say happy birthday, and all of you guys either left a post or sent an email - heck, Riccardo called me from ITALY!!! I guess it confirms my statement I made before that I am becoming closer to people I have never met face-to-face than I am to those around me. You guys truly are like a family to me. Oh, I have to mention this too. I had a wierd dream while I got a little sleep. Don't ask me why, but I had a dream I was at a music festival and a group of guys started giving me a hard time. One guy kept pulling at my goatee and I got ticked off and popped him in the mouth. About that time They all started up on me and was ready to fight when someone stepped up and told them if they knew what was best for them they would leave me alone. It was DJ! Well, they bolted and DJ and I just walked around talking, and then I woke up in pain!!!! It is a very wierd dream as I have only talked to DJ once on the phone and have never met him, but he stuck up for me in that dream. Maybe a paralel of how he has helped me with creating this site. While everyone else was giving me a hard time and calling me a loser with stupid headaches, I found people who understood here at CH.Com. I duuno - maybe it was just a stupid dream. Maybe I am just stupid. I dunno.

I'm wiped! I'm gonna go for now.

Carl D

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