Rough night but...

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Posted by Carl D ( on April 29, 2000 at 15:07:13:

Okay. To say I had a rough night would be an understatement. In fact, after a 10+ episode, I left a message to two people to e-mail me (I realize most people cannot deal with the fact that I "lose it" from time to time, but know who I can talk to when I am in a hole like that.) Well, neddless to say, I made it through another night. I talked to both Jonny and Elaine today - while I was in a better frame of mind.
Due to my lack of time on the board, I need to respond to a couple of things, so I must do it here.

Kenn - I know I am not the only one who has a hard time of things, I know that very well. It is easy to feel alone in some desperate times. It is easy to say things in the heat of the moment. I actually think I have coped with having my life destroyed by CH pretty well - considering the options. And to be truthful - no, I don't believe I would be alive today had I not found this website. I have made many good friends. Though some cannot relate to my situation, they understand. Some days are not so bad - some days are pure hell. The only thing I can say is, I have buckled, fallen to the pit of desperation, thought of suicide a million times and yes - in '94 attempted it - but I am still here. I am still fighting, it is just a bigger Goliath than I ever imagined it could be. You may not understand it, but when I come here and 'unload', it is almost 'self help'. It is therapeutic for me sometimes. You see, I cannot talk to people around me. They won't have a clue as to why I am in such a down mood sometimes, but they also don't know the pain of CH. I could go on and on....

Drummer - I have felt helpless in so many ways - not just with myself, but with others on this board. I wish I didn't have a 'restriction' on how long I can be on here each day, as I would probably respond to every other post. I do my best to 'help myself' and whenever possible, would do anything to help anyone else. If he was thirsty, I would even give my worst enemy a drink of water.
It's actually pretty funny when I think about it (not funny 'ha ha' but funny 'peculiar'), because growing up, I was the hyper-happy-go-lucky guy who everyone wanted to be around. However, I was also the attentive listener when someone needed an ear. I can't tell you how many times I counseled friends growing up - an example is when I was 16, an older friend of mine's wife had jsut left him, and he hit bottom HARD! They put him on suicide watch for 24 hours, and his mother came and got me to sit with him for that period (which, basically I stayed there for a week.) I could list hundreds of similar situations, but at this moment, it's irrelavant. Yes, I do want to help others - but at this period in time, I don't know what I can do. I have limitations and restrictions most people don't have because they are on thier own computers. I use a friends. He has set limits - I abide by them. But if you notice, the key words here is "This period of time."

Well, now that I've bored the hell out of everyone and the people who cannot tolerate my long winded posts have finally given up reading this one, the remainder of you will get this bit of news: After I got off of the phone with Jonny today, I went outside to grab a smoke and check the mail. Well, there was an envelope from the Social Security Administration. Same size as the rest,and as I sat on the steps - all I could think was "great. How long will the appeal take? Whats the next step?" You see, I have been conditioned the last few years to expect the worst; that way when it hits, I at least was prepared for it (I'm sorry, but many people will judge my reactions to situations, when my shoes are different from thiers. What if for three days, we could all swap places with each other? Would we feel the same? Would we understand? Anyway, back to my point.) As I sat thinking of all of this, I opened the envelope and noticed the statement at the top of the first of many pages: "Notice of Decision - Fully Favorable." Finally!
It will be at least 60 days before I receive my benefits package, and probably won't see my first check for two or three months. I talked with Elaine and, until my SSI kicks in, will still have to rely on the medical fund for meds. Once my SSI begins though, I can get back on my feet, won't have to sweat paying for Dr. appointments and medicine, and will be in a better position to try and help others who need it. Whatever money is left in the fund will be available to anyone else who needs it. Maybe now I can finally find a doctor who knows what they are doing and can at least get a grip on dealing with the CH attacks. Lets just say I have breathed a deep sigh of relief with this news. Though it is not the 'ultimate answer', it will at least allow me to get back on my feet and start over again. And if there is anything I can do to help anyone else, I'm on it.

I guess Margi was right: The light at the end of the tunnel wasn't a train. My problem is, when I see that light at the end of the tunnel - I run for it, not thinking of all of the pitfalls between here and there.
As for the question "Is there any help?" I think the fact that I am still alive speaks for itself. This board has helped me in more ways than most people know. The only way I have had to give anything back is not visible to anyone here - - - not yet. My contribution is small, but hopefully will lead to a breakthrough in public awareness. None of this will come to fruition though until "SNAPPED" is completed and in the hands of those who have never heard of CH.
As for seeking help outside of this board, I have scheduled a meeting with a Psychologist - back in JANUARY. That was rescheduled for March, and then April - and has been rescheduled for May 9th. After they cancelled the April and re-scheduled for May, I visited my caseworker and told her my frustration with trying to get help for depression and how 'getting bumped' is starting to give me an inferiority complex. She assured me that the May 9th appointment will not be rescheduled and, was shocked herself at how much I have been shoveled around. So its not like I'm not trying. I do what I can and to this point have done everything I can. The one thing I cannot do anything about is the next attack. And how do I feel about that?
How do you feel about the fact that you can do nothing to prevent your next attack or how strong it will be or how long it will last?

There. I've said way more than I intended to today, and have used up all of my time too. Just tell me you'll still respect me in the morning.

Carl D

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