Suicide and pain.........

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Posted by Tracy ( on May 08, 2000 at 06:39:02:

To anyone contemplating the final resort.....DONT DO IT. I cant say it any plainer than that.

I have to admit the thought has crossed my mind more than once over recent months. Especially as April drew near and the pain showed no signs of let up, and now we're into May and it's actually getting worse.

I figure my little 'un would be better with just her Daddy as he doesnt have this pain. At least she wont have a mummy who, from her perspective, seems okay one minute and the next is crying, or yelling at her to be quiet. A mummy that doesnt walk around the house crouched over holding her eye in, or scratching the back of her neck till its sore. A mummy laying on the floor begging her or her daddy to kill her, or at least watch her Mummy hitting her head off the floor or walls or even the phone.

Maybe one day Daddy would meet someone who could be a good mummy, a mummy who doesnt suffer from CH. Maybe my husband could have a wife that doesnt hurl abuse at him when he asks if shes okay., A wife that doesnt have to be near painkillers at all times, a wife that doesnt have to organise her shopping trips and even cleaning the house with military precision, to work round the, now more frequent, attacks.

To watch your wife rocking and crying and begiing you to kill her to just get rid of the pain.

Yeah, I figured that they would BOTH be better off without me.

But then my little girl, whose only 2 and a half, comes up and she slips her little arms round my neck and squeezes with all her might, she covers my face in kisses and tells me she "loves very much" and then she makes me look at her and with her little face and big blue eyes full of concern she asks "mummy alright now? Better soon mummy, pain all gone soon mummy". My husband comes over and despite all I've said to him he hugs me and tells me Im fine. I know then deep in my soul that I could never, NEVER EVER kill myself.

Not for my pathetic life, but for theirs. It would destroy them more than what they go through with me now. But more, I realise I want me and Trev to grow old together, I want to see Bethany grow up and for those things alone I can put up with the pain of hades.

ITS not going to kill me, and Ill be DAMNED if Ill give it the satisfaction of killing MYSELF!

We juggle this pain, with our jobs, families/partners, social lives, whatever. We are multitasking every day. Even its just making a drink at the start of an attack. We COPE. We are the STRONGEST people in the world. We should remember that.

Thats my thoughts, just mine.

God bless.


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