A quick poll

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Posted by Annemarie ( on May 08, 2000 at 11:16:03:

In Reply to: A quick poll posted by Ted on May 07, 2000 at 22:44:30:

Yes, I did try once, and I am very happy I didn't succeed, but ironically it was not because of CH.
I was a young teenager and had been depressed for years. I had been thinking about suicide for years, from 13 upwards. I never have had much skin on my soul and living just hurt me, that is the only way I can explain. Something like the feelings that Carl D. expressed a way back, only I was just 19.
I did try. And came to in the hospital feeling so HUMILIATED. I never did anything right. I couldn't even kill myself! So if I was such a wimp when young, why not kill myself now, when there is really a reason? Like painpainpainpain?

I am not religious in any way "religious" prople would recognize, but I have the strong feeling that at 19 I messed up my one chance. I cannot ever do it again.
So when during my last bout with the monster, I cried:`I'm going to kill myself, I'll throw myself out of the window'- I did not, when I was sitting one foot from an open third story window, with no safety guard in front of it. I didn't even move. I was just venting. Saying those words hurt me, like a counter hurt, and it actually brought some relief. My husband, bless his soul, knew exactly what I meant and didn't go in a tizzy or banged the window shut or anything. He just let me rave.

I am very happy with the life I have, all the beautiful things I have seen, all I have done, (including trying to talk people out of suicide for I think I owe it to them to try.


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