Posted by Tracy (195.147.231.76) on May 12, 2000 at 12:45:03:
I hate to off load like this, but I literally have no one else to turn to. Right now I feel like I have a better place to go to, and thats not good.
I was called back by the hospital today saying they havent had the letter from my gp, could I chase it. If he hadnt sent it they would follow up. He hadnt, though his sec said she'd chase him. They decided (in the interim) that I should follow up every few days.
I then get a call this avo from my gp's sec saying that she'd brought the lack of letter to his notice and he'd told her to ring me to tell me he wants to meet me to "discuss this whole thing".
I KNOW my gp, his "discuss" means, at best, I'm going to be patronised to death/told off for daring to defy his diagnosis. At worst, he'll strike us all off ( no doc, no asthma meds).
I KNEW I shouldnt have rocked the boat! I listened to my family and now IM the one taking all the flak! Whilst they just say "oh dear, oh dear, what are you going to do then?"!!
On top of all this, both Bethany (my 2.5 year old daughter) and myself have both got bronchitis. The doctor (not mine) told me to watch her in case she develops asthma (it runs in our family) and this would the usual age they could diagnose it, my asthma is all over the place. To say Im wheezy is an understatement. I feel so ILL.
My mum has something wrong with her "down below" (if you get my drift) and is convinced she's got cancer. She has a doctor's appointment today which she's terrified of and so has spent nearly all day on thephone to me.
Bethany is well enough now to attempt destruction (as most toddlers do), but not enough to help me clean up like she normally does. PLUS I have my business to run (not that Im making any damn money out of it because trevor's "too busy" to phone the accountant, and now wants me to do it!!!!!!!!! Liek I dont have ENOUGH already?!)
I swear at this real moment in time death truly seems like a release. Im not be melodramtic, it REALLY does.
At least Id get away from everyone. It seems like Im there for them, but no one's ever there for ME.
I dont what Im going to do. The only good in all of this crap (pardon my french), is my clusters have taken a break last night and today. I think God must have taken pity on me.
I know what Im sayings wrong, that I shouldnt wish for death coz I just might get what I wish for, bt I dont know how much more that I can take.......of all of it. I HATE myself - Im fat, frumpy, a mess. I dont bother with myself anymore. I just dont CARE.
Maybe "it" wuld be the best way out for me in the end. I dont know any more. I never used to be this way. now..........im useless. Worse than useless.
Sorry to be a nusiance, this is the last thing you need. I just dont have anyone else to turn to, except you guys at CH.com. I dont have any friends that I trust enough to tell all this to. You know, that's SO pathetic I could just cry.
God bless you Margi.
T