Being a Clusterhead Without Support...

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Posted by Carl D ( on May 16, 2000 at 08:23:09:

In Reply to: For clarification purposes posted by Ted on May 16, 2000 at 07:35:19:

I hope you realize that you always have us (the board) for support. Although I think you now realize how important it is to have someone who is physically there for you, right?

Well, understand me finally, please. Most people think I come here too often and vent and complain. Some people think I have overstayed my welcome on this board.

Most people have thier wife, thier girlfriend (or boyfriend), or someone they can look to for support - someone who is there for them. When someone goes through extreme pain for periods of time, this is very important. In any walk of life, it is important to not be alone. You now realize that you have your brother.

On this end, I have no one. My brothers do not understand, and keep a good distance from me (I see one brother every two or three months, the other - about two or three times a year). Lost my girlfriend at the beginning of this cycle (which started in February 1998!), and have lost many friends. Of the friends I have left, they keep a good distance. No one wants to be around someone who is always at risk of going into an 'Attack', as it cramps thier style, or whatever.

This is why I spend every moment on the board that I can. Sure, I might be overbearing at times, but that is because this board is the only shoulder I have to lean on. It would be nice to have someone that is physically here for me, but I don't see that happening; as most people 'have thier own problems to deal with' and 'I just have to learn to deal with it'.

I get frustrated sometimes. It seems like I am just living for the next attack and nothing else. All I have is my music and my pain. Sometimes I will spend hours just staring at the wall, contemplating what it all means, and why. Then I get hit with a massive attack and don't care what it all means anymore, I just know that for me - life is losing it's meaning.

I've been chronic for over two years now, and so far there is no relief in sight. I finish up with one battle only to look forward to the next. I cannot call my brother and tell him how bad I am hurting, because he don't want to hear it! He has his own problems and, mine are trivial compared to his (though he doesn't spend hours a day racked up in pain). I don't have an understanding girlfriend or wife who helps me deal with this - I go it alone - and trust me - not by choice. I have this board, but sometimes it's like having no one. I know most people can't understand that, but most people are not alone.

Ted, be thankful you have your brother. Know that you are not alone and, if you ever feel like you have no support, know that you have the board. I would give anything to have someone that truly cared near me.

Carl D

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