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Posted by Carl D ( on May 22, 2000 at 08:55:13:

The last few days have been unreal. I can't even begin to explain all of the crap I've had to deal with. A friend saw me last night and said "You don't look so good; how ya' doin'?". Well, I guess he realized real quick not to ask that question if he didn't want the truth. I gave it to him. Freaked him out. Scared him away (I'm good at that, all I have to do is be brutally honest!)Told him I'm about two steps from showering with razorblades!

Right now the S.S.A. has sent me a ton of paperwork to fill out, plus I am having to document all of my debts, loans, you name it. Basically, the government has me under a microscope right now and it's a real bitch. They want to know what I own, why I own it, what is it valued at, etc. etc.

After playing 'catch up' Saturday night, I was in bed (?) for 14 and a half hours, got 6 1/2 hours sleep, had five attacks, and when I finally got out of bed, felt like I had been in a fight. Zero sleep again last night, and my body is dragging severely. I have to try and get more sleep, to try and think a little more clear. Between the attacks, the crap with having every aspect of my life dissected, not being able to sleep and when I do - I have sick, violent dreams! I wrote down a couple of them, as they would make great horror novels in the future!
I am wondering what I have done in my life that I am paying for now (Or, according to backwards reincarnation - what am I going to do in the future that I am paying for now?)

I am also sick to my stomache this morning. Almost feels like the flu, or I ate something really really bad. Maybe it is just that my stomache is in knots from being a bundle of nerves. I feel as though if someone were to light a firecracker, every nerve in my body would shatter at the pop! My head is throbbing, my teeth are aching, my neck hurts, my eye itches, jaw is hurting, etc. etc.
I am a literal freeking mess.

I am just tired of the promise of things getting better when it seems like they only get worse. I feel like I am being ganged up on between the system, my health, and some people who just wish to make things more difficult for me. I won't say what I am feeling right now, as I am trying to watch my language and also I don't have enough time to try and figure out how to put it all into words. Lets just say I've seen better days - not in a very long time - But I've seen them, never-the-less. I am still doing my best on holding out, just very tired.

Carl D

P.S. - I see that the board is back to normal - even the Lardhead Beast reared her ugly head once more to hurl yet more insults.

Oh, and I learned a new trick: when you read a fortune cookie, you should always follow it up with the phrase "In Bed".
I got one that read: "You have yet to reach your fullest potential...in bed"
At the rate I am going....

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