Posted by Q (18.104.22.168) on June 05, 2000 at 17:33:01:
Thought you'd appreciate this...
TURDS --- THERE ARE MANY VARIETIES:
THE GHOST TURD.
You know you've crapped. There's crap on the toilet paper but none in
the bowl. Sometimes referred to as the "Torpedo Turd" by those who hear a
THE TEFLON TURD.
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces on the
toilet paper. You have to have a visual sighting in the bowl to be sure that
you actually did it.
THE GOOEY TURD.
This has the consistency of hot tar and leaves permanent skid
marks in the toilet (aka a night out after drinking the likes
You wipe your arse 18 times and it starts to bleed before it comes clean.
You end up with sheets of toilet paper in your kegs so that you
don't stain them (You can tell that this was orginally written by a
woman, can't you?!)
THE SECOND THOUGHT TURD. (aka THE FRANK CARSON TURD) You're all done
wiping your arse and you're about to stand up when you
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD TURD
The kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling
and purple from straining too hard.
You pass as much as 10 pounds
THE RIGHT NOW TURD.
You'd better be within ten seconds of a toilet. Usually you are
touching cloth before you get your pants down.
KING KONG OR COMMODE CHOKER TURD (or the HOUSEBOAT HAMIISH TURD) This
is BIG. So big that it won't flush away unless you break it in to smaller
chunks ( a coat hanger works well). This type usually happens
at a friend's house - more likely at a the house of a BOSS who you are
trying to impress.
WET CHEEKS TURD
Hits the water sideways and you get twenty gallons of pee diluted water
straight up the Gary Glitter.
You sit there all cramped up with pain in your guts, you fart a few
times but sadly nothing with any consistency.
THE CEMENT BLOCK TURD OR "OOHHHHHHH GOD" TURD After this one you wish
that you'd had an epidural first. Sometimes requires you to sit on only one
cheek whilst you try for better purchase on the thing. Gives
the old prostate a good rub on the way past. There's nothing like a
seriously good crap.
THE SNAKE TURD
This is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb but at least six foot
long. You have to curl this one around the bowl several times. Can also
be a "Torpedo Turd"
THE CORK TURD (AKA "THE FLOATER" / TITANIC TURD) Even after the third
flush the bloody thing is still there. Hell, how do I get rid of it?
Its bloody unsinkable. Another one that generally happens at someone else's
THE MEXICAN FOOD OR "VOLCANO TURD"
Like crapping sulphuric acid,. Beware of letting any sweat trickle between the
cheeks of your arse for the next day or two. Can also be referred to as a
"Chicken Ring Stinger"
THE BEER TURD (AKA THE MORNING AFTER TURD) One of the worst
kinds........and the most common. It happens the day after the night
before. Nomally your excrement doesn't give off too much odour, but
this is BAD. You spray the toilet bowl from top to bottom so it looks
like the whole thing has been blasted by a shotgun loaded with lentils
and you wonder who fitted the sprinkler attachment to your arse whilst
you were sleeping. Then you discover there's someone waiting
outside... This one is gauranteed to happen at someone else's house.
Trying to do any of the above with Sigmund Freud's (that's piles to
anyone who finds this one too cryptic..) is asking for trouble - You
have tears in your eyes and you are trying to imagine something soft
and small. But the bastard is always hard and BIG. With solid peanuts
sticking out the side, even when you have never eaten them. Hurts so
much that you end up gently weeping on the toilet.
VAN GOGH TURD
Its a work of art. You leave it for someone else to admire.
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