Posted by Tracy (212.159.22.242) on July 02, 2000 at 16:43:30:
In Reply to: I love the word Mum posted by Paula on July 01, 2000 at 22:40:20:
ANY time you want to let it out you come and knock on my e-mail.
I don't know about a sense, but I DO know about trying to be all things to all people. It can't be done and leaves you feeling like you're such a failure. I've spent most of my life trying to please ALL of the people, ALL of the time. It's drove me to attempting suicide. For me the CH was the final straw. A lot of times my family (probably without even realising they're doing it; with the exception of my Mum-in-law who accused me of having ch just to worry Trev!!)act like I have CH just to make me unable to do something they want me to do. It drives me crazy!! :O)
But Trev, on the whole, has been very supportive. I'm very lucky really. But it doesn't stop me wondering what my life would be like without CH. WOuld I be a fun Mum? Would I be a happier, less depressed wife? The answer? Probably. But I can't change what I am now. This is the hand I been dealt and I have to play to the end of the game. But you know I DIDN'T take the "long walk" (Trev stopped me, Sue and SteveK talked me out of trying again), and I'm GLAD I didn't. Only then would I have REALLY been a failure. EVERY day I survive, is a day I'm a hero. Maybe not the "save a person's life" hero, but a small everyday survivor type.
You, Paula, are one of those too. That is what makes us, as ch sufferers, stronger. You give your kids such a strong character as a role model, how could they EVER fail? You teach them it's alright to get tired, to cry and get mad at the world. Because the next day you pick yourself up and carry on. That takes a strength and courage most people would kill for. They strive to attain, but NEVER will. But it's just a part of you, each and every day. So no matter how bad a day you have. Remember that. Just by getting through it, you show them and, most importantly, yourself that strength comes from within. I feel that you're WAY too hard on yourself. You shouldn't be, I admire the way you do your level best to withstand the onslaught every day. That takes guts! You should cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a pat on the back and say "you know, I'm a SURVIVOR! and that's soemthing to be very proud of".
Whatever happens Paula. If you EVER want, or need, someone to talk to I'm right here.
BTW, I'm glad we're getting to know each other too! :O)
Take care and God bless,
Tracy