Mon jokes

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Posted by Nancy ( on July 03, 2000 at 17:10:02:

So, you think you've been embarrassed in public? The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine".......
1.While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now," she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind
me were screams of laughter.....

2. It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
"SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents,cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state
of shock and embarrassed for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.....

3. One of the funniest "most embarrassing moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that
one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom (of course!) and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax"
for " THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???".....

4. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to
the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did", he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out until noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demanded an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change,and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees
to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a
showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

"What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop????"



An Amish drive-by shooting.

All people smile in the same langauage,

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