Posted by Miguel (220.127.116.11) on July 15, 2000 at 23:32:42:
The CH war, that is. I know it is there, but can't let it in.
I feel my head at times almost giving in and allowing
the backgound feeling to become the foreground attack
that it is. If I let it do that I would not be me. I would not
only loose the battle against CH, and perhaps the war, but I loose me. My
senses would narrow down to one sensation, pain. My focus evaporates
from the varied to the simple, pain. My attitude drops and
my life would revolve around the limited life span of
each attack, the pain. My life wwould turn to fear for the answers
of my existance. My pain-free hours would really not be so
because my insides would be suffering while awaiting
for the next attack. That is no way to live.
But it is a life, thus I can not waste it. It is the only
life I have, thus I cherish it, even when in pain. I do
so because life is the gift of immortality with a finite time.
A contradiction in its own right, but nothing more than
a simple paradox. A finite inmortality it is, indeed. It
is so because what we know and learned has been passed on
to us by others. They received it too from their predecesors.
In essence, we briefly borrow inmortality, so we
can pass it along to others every time they think, do or act like
we taught them, as we were taugh, and like they will teach.
Therefore, I will fight CH, tooth and nail, like the junkyard dog
that I am and never even consider giving my life in exchange for
an end to the pain. I sit here feeling every corner of
my head. I know it is in there waiting for me
to let my guard down so it can take over my life, even if briefly.
It is not going to happen I think. Today I rode the wind once more.
I did it with vengance and a purpose, that of beating CH with
a sharp and complete mind. One in which I am in control in spite
of the beast nocking and chiming in, letting me know
that it is still there, awaiting my fears to win over my
determination to exist pain-free. I beat you today
once again. It will be the same story tomorrow. Tomorrow I will
win again. It will be so until the day I die. I fight, thus I win.
War it is then...until the end of my time.
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