Posted by Phil Cornwell on February 04, 1999 at 10:41:09:
Friends....May I? First let me say that I am NOT the anonymous who made fun of someone's spelling. I mean, look at mine!! Had I know that there would be another anonymous I would have assigned myself a number or something. The quote "Do We Need Our Pain" is taken from the book "Migraine" by Oliver Sacks. I can't find the exact page but there is a Man who believes that he needs his headaches and tells the Doctor to keep his drugs. Like I said I should have said "Do I Need My Pain?". I learned very early in life that abuse was the norm and indeed was to be expected. Please don't get the violin out. I'm not asking for that. Certainly during an attack I don't want this pain. The headaches and depression seem to feed off of one another. Depression and thoughts of suicide have been a daily routine for years and. Sometimes I feel like one of the working mentally ill. Was that Jackie who talked about the garden hose and carbon monoxide? God bless you for being so truthful. (Mr.) Andrea has told me to fuck off and would like to kick me in the head. Hmmm...I've said damn and hell here but never used the *F* word. Pardon me for a minute here while I remove both feet from my mouth. As it is apparent I do not have the best judgment in the world. Your support and just being able to vent has made a world of difference. I thought that my cycle was coming to an end having 1 or 2 headaches per day that lasted about 15 minutes. Then last night I had another severe attack and had to call in sick. Does (Mr.) Andrea have a voodoo doll of me at his home? Please take the pins out. I apologise to you Mr. Andrea for having offended you. It looke like I will have to stock up on meds again as I am out of abortives. I stopped Sansert last week. Maybe have to start again. Can't afford Imitrex right now, the insurance checks just aren't getting here fast enough. Have savings but....That's supposed to be for unexpected expenses. You know, the furnace, the car, etc. In order to obtain any relief last night I had to just load up on knock out drugs//Elavil, Librium, Restoril, Bellergal-S and Trazadone. Finally fell asleep and woke about 2 hours later, still had a headache and to a certain degree still do today. Not sure if I'm chronic or what. I usually don't go more than 6 months without an attack. It's unfortunate that I carry this baggage around with me. I once heard a Man say "Stop being hurt over a name someone called you in 1963". I wish it were that easy. I was told in the 80's (after a failed overdose) that I have a personality disorder. It's so good to know these things. Went in for treatmen of depression and was prescribed Paxil. I felt like I had lock jaw and stopped taking it. I went to see another Doctor who prescribed Prozac. It made me a nervous wreck. I had to stop taking it. They even wanted to double the dose. I mean, should I just stick my finger in a light socket or what? Heavy smoker, probably contributes to the headaches. Pain pills? I know all about rebound. I was taking them in part for the clusters and in part for the pain of depression. Did I cause my own headaches? Do I deserve them? I just can't say. Thanks to all for listening. I don't expect 100% support or approval BUT as I have come to see there are many of you out there who really do care. Some things that I've said. I'm ashamed. I feel like the square who doesn't fit in the round hole. Like well, it all leads back to negative thinking. Thanks for listening.....