Posted by Elaine (18.104.22.168) on August 31, 2000 at 10:39:20:
You all know me as Elaine, a strong person, who can withstand anything! I hurt my head hurts my chest hurts and my back hurts and my legs and I am tired of throwing up. My heart hurts. I get up every morning go to the computer check all the boards have my coffee read my email, send my email. Then showerThen clean the house listen to my music and think of things to do.I might buy a friend or family member something or plan a nice dinner, or put on something special wondering if anyone will notice. Then I am tired again can’t stay awake its nap time for me. If I go to the store I might bump into someone and of couse I always say I am sorry, but they just look at me never to utter a word. Even the cashier at the store doesn’t say hello or hows your day. I come home check the board again, and my email. Night time comes I am no longer alone or am I ! I speak but nobody really hears my voice. They don’t reply so I figure they don’t hear or see me. I take another nap.They ask how was your day I say ok I cleaned went to the store and read the board and emailed. That really got their intrestest LOL They watch TV or what ever they enjoy doing. I go to chat awhile then read my bible then to bed. I dream then start the day all over. Am I dead and don’t know it? The only time I hear a voice anymore is when someone calls me on the phone or I call him or her. I hear my own voice when I have a cluster. I hear my voice when I cry and try to get them to hear me.I use to think I was afraid of death but now I think I am just afraid of living. I have fought so hard and so long to live I wonder why! I feel dead!
Sorry maybe this isn’t about clusters buts its about pain ! Its about life, its about what happens when pain takes us from everyday life as we once knew. I had no where else to go so I came here! I always said I would not let pain change my life but all the pain combind has changed my life and the people around me. All thats left for me now is the game of waitting for peace will it ever come.
I done venting I guess I best go back to bed. Love you guys ! Please don't post to this its just me having a very rotten day!
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