Jokes for a Thursday

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Posted by Nancy ( on September 21, 2000 at 10:41:47:


A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carbuerator to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."

The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'"

The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a rprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. "You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I

"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny,and said: "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. "I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement.

"Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me. " So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said: "Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls. I'd say you must be either a politician or an attorney."

(kind of depressing)
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.........
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full... of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.........
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag..........
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around...........
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film............
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)............
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones............
It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly, yes; jiggy,
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.
(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin)..............
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?...............
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit..............
Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar. .............
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water..............
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I much Healthy Choice ice cream
can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

Be nice to the nurse, or you'll pay!

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your
nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees.
But the head nurse stood up to him.

One morning she entered his room and announced, "I
have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally
settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but
eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the
room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation.

Creation Duel

In the beginning God created the heaven and the
Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was
light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after
our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so
God created Man in his own image; male and female
did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they
were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in
this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and
cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's
brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man
gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman
might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And
Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy
vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so
big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved
to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote
control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable
naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and
sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the
potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off
chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison
his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva
Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man

And Woman went out from the presence of man and
dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

All people smile in the same language,

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