Saturday Humor

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Posted by Nancy ( on September 23, 2000 at 10:44:27:

Redneck Olympics

10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.

7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

6. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.

1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a
rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Rancher: "This dog don`t talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how`s it going?"

Dog: "Doin alright"

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Rancher: "Horses don`t talk!"

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how`s it goin?"

Horse: "Cool."

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the
barn to protect me from the elements."

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
"Th-Th-Them sheep ain`t nothin but liars!!!"

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks....
Rufus and Clarence.

They lived on opposite sides of the river,
and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim....
er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"

"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"

This happened every morning for twenty years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers
comes along and build a bridge.

Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge.

Finally....Mrs.Rufus had had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallers one day.
"I cain't take no more!! Ever day for 25 years
you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, there's the bridge......have at it."

Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna across that thar bridge and
I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

He walked out the door, down to the river,
along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up.....

"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"

"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.

"Rufus!" cried the misses.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus,
" I went to the bridge......
I stepped up on the bridge.....
walked halfway over the bridge....
looked up....."

"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.

"And," continued Rufus,
"I saw a sign that said
"Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"

All people smile in the same language,

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