Posted by Kathi (188.8.131.52) on October 09, 2000 at 10:51:15:
Please know as you read this that I'm not into crystals and feng shui or any of that new age mysticism that my peers seem to find so fascinating. But I have made observations about self since I have suffered from these demons.
I call us "Those Who Feel Too Much" The common thread I see in all of us is an intense intraspection (is that a word?) We seem to be "seekers", driven by our pain and fear to open our souls in ways we never thought possible. Many of us talk of being hard, cold, driven people before CH's struck us down. Crying was a foreign concept to me. I was the first person to tell friends to be strong and weather the storm. I know I'm not the same person I was before I became afflicted. I was fearless and confident and arrogant and a little bit icy. I thought myself immortal (a combination of youth and being without pain)
CH bought me fragility and tears. It bought me fear and compassion. It made me reliant on those close to me...their soothing prescence reminded me that I was needed on this earth and that I was not an insane, drooling lunatic. It taught me the power of sleep and the joy of healing in my lovers arms after the pain subsided. It gave me license to cry out loud in pain and anguish. And in those tears, I washed away some of the rage and frustration of all the control I maintained when not in pain.
I often wonder if CH is my bodies way of cleansing all the pain other people are capable of purging through art and music and poetry. When I'm in pain, I picture my life as a basket...where I've gathered all my fears and dissappointments. And as I feel the pain, I mentally empty the basket as I shamelessly cry it all out.
(No, I'm not on shrooms or anything...just growing older and looking inside myself more than I used to allow)
I'm not saying the pain is good, but if I must live with it...I will learn from it. Dammit.
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