Posted by Kathi (188.8.131.52) on November 22, 2000 at 06:57:57:
A cup of tea on a deck full of frost. Looking out on a lake that shimmers silver, devoid of the leaves on the trees that just weeks ago made a copper reflection. I stand looking at it all after a sleepless night. The demon is back, causing me to ponder my crazy life this past year. After spending the long night feeling sorry for myself, I actually tried that "optimist" thing.
Okay, I walked away from a twenty year marraige. I'm not proud of that fact, but we were stagnated and screaming without sounds.But.. I did what I could...I really tried.
As I was leaving, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It left me wracked with guilt and as scared as I have ever been. This man was still my friend and my daughters father. I had to watch him suffer, see the fear in his eyes. I held him and cried with him for weeks. Then I had to stand by helplessly as they cut into his brain. But he survived...and will be able to see his daughter grow up.
I dealt with watching my career make a fast dive towards a bottomless pit. My beloved job that I had for 11 years suddenly became scary and hostile. Forces were at work behind the scenes that were changing my life and rocking my security. But...maybe this closed door will open a better one.
My beautiful daughter became the pre-adolescent from hell. Smiles became hormonal rages. Screaming at me became a national pastime for her. I would cry with her as she looked in the mirror, wailing that she is ugly. But...she doesn't see what I see...a gawky blonde colt with beautiful, long legs....poised to run. Her every step away from me is a step closer to the adult she must become.
And all the stuff in between. The clusters, a Mom and a Mother-in-law battling cancer, dealing yet again with being broke all the time, having my truck stolen, starting a new relationship.
But, it all made me think. "I'm still here. I'm surrounded by people I love. I can still walk and talk and breathe. It's all scary and it's all new but at least I'm fighting my way through it."
For all of you this Thanksgiving....I wish you only one thing. A peace of mind. I will think of you as I search for my own.
Love to you all
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