Posted by Nancy (188.8.131.52) on January 03, 2001 at 09:23:53:
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is
very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to
get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're leaving from the office and will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pajamas. The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says "Yes lot of walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't
you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? The wife replies. "I did, they were in your tackle box!"
A man had a heart attack on the street and was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy
man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay
here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' We are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.
A little late...
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your gynecologist, your plumber and the IRS.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May Sunday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the new year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much
more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
May you ponder how did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand.
May you be awe struck by God's sense of humor as you wrestle with the possibility that a professional wrestler had a chance to become President of the United States.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and may your check book and your budget balance and may they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parents, your friends; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.
May we live as God intended, in a world at peace and the awareness of His love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing,
miraculous beat of our heart.
A Very Happy New Year to All!
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything
else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds
Even if you are on the right track, you'll
get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in
common. They should both be changed regularly and
for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the
answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
The real art of conversation is not only
to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing
at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show and even more at sixty
You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, you grow old because you stopped laughing
Hugs and a smile,
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