Breaking News - The Falkland Campaign

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Posted by Jack ( on January 05, 2001 at 11:28:44:

The OUCH rebels made landfall at the Falklands on January 4 at 1300 hours ( Greenwich Mean Time ).

They were met by the entire garrison of Falkland defenders. The garrison ( 3 middle aged, slightly effeminate and overweight Englishmen ) were dug in on the beach. The OUCH rebels were led by Simon and Ricky and came ashore in 2 waves.

The rebels were synchronized in their circadian rhythms through the efforts of Todd while the OUCH Armada steamed through the South Atlantic. This circadian synchronization was done in order to avoid clustering while storming the beach. Todd was a bit remiss in his calculations due to the fact that he was seasick and held the sextant upside down. This miscalculation was somewhat catastrophic in that all the OUCH rebels began cluster attacks as they hit the beach. This bizarre scene had a profound effect on the garrison. The cluster rebels begged to be shot. Two defenders fled in horror. The third defender, Petty Officer Fourth Class, Mr. Perry P. Pennywacker, held his position, although he refused to fire.

In an heroic act of complete selflessness, Elaine sat in the sand next to trooper Pennywacker and held his hand as she gently sobbed her way through her cluster attack. Mr. Pennywacker also began to sob in a manner so pronounced that there were reports of hearing this in Montevideo.

Mr. Pennywacker then surrendered and the OUCH rebels claimed sovereignty over the islands. Jonny placed an OUCH T Shirt on Bob P's now rigid corpse and stuck the still deceased OUCH President Elect head first in the sand , claiming “ I claim this land and all that resides here in the name of Clusterheads everywhere. God Save our Queen, Doug.”

The rebels have since consolidated their positions.

Margi has constructed a desalinization plant.

Todd and Elaine are combing the highlands and foraging for serotonin enhancing plants.
Todd is also writing a book – “A Feral Lifestyle and Its Effect on the Trigeminal Nerve in the Southern Hemisphere”

Q has shoved off for Buenos Aires in a search for hallucinogens.

Ricky and Simon are wrestling with a new constitution for the provisional government they have set up.

Paco is fishing.

Jonny is hunting penguins.

Jack was murdered at sea for complaining about passive smoke.

Dave and Bob are still dead.

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