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Posted by Little Liberty ( on January 12, 2001 at 17:16:18:

PLEASE HOLD ON AND GARNER STRENGTH FROM NATHAN'S SPIRIT, HOLD TIGHT TO YOUR LIFE AND PLEASE, PLEASE FOR ALL THOSE THAT LOVE YOU SO DESPERATELY PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING! Ours is a very heavy burden to carry when we are left behind. I know, my husband tells me he would rather another 20 years of CH than this agony he is now enduring. PLEASE, as hard as we all know it is, keep his name in your heads, use it as a mantra in the midst of your pain and hold on. We WILL win this war!

We have just returned from spending time with Nate's family, trying to make arrangements and come to terms with this tragic loss.

I thought that it would never leave me, the sight of him laying in the barn. I was so wrong! That has now been replaced with the angry faces of the family and friends. I can only think of peace now, as horrible as the sight was, it is peace that I picture when I revisit that scene in my mind. And it is there that I gain some strength. Because that is not what we found amongst those that supposedly loved him!

Peace, was definitely not what we got from the family. There were accusations and attacks. There seemed to be no way of conveying what Nate was enduring. There seemed to be no method that would make them see the suffering that he has been through. We were assaulted verbally and it was getting too close to a physical confrontation so we finally left. We will not be welcomed back for the funeral we were told. My husband is crushed. He can find no comfort or solace in this mindless agony inflicted on him by people that have absolutely no comprehension of the daily agony these poor souls endure.

The general consensus was that he must have been upset about something to have done such damage to the barn, bag and himself. That there HAD to have been more to it than "just a headache". I cannot tell you all what it did to both of us to stand before these people (his wife included) that refused to look at anything. Refused to see the reality of what had laid out in the barn. She did nothing to help inform these people, choosing instead to act the "tragic widow" who has all the right in the world to be angry at HIM for doing this to HER!!!!

We did not read all of your posts until we got home. But we had thought too about contacting the media in order to bring attention to this condition and help get the word out there that there needs to be research, funding, legalization and in the mean time safe supplies to those that are suffering today, before we loose one more. That Nate not have died in vain, but that his life and the loss of it stand for all to see how very urgent this need is. I thought they were all going to physically attack us! It was utter madness and almost more tragic than Nate's death. It is the ignorance and unwillingness of people like this, the ones that are even in the position to witness someone endure this nightmare, that are preventing any concrete changes, progress or interest.

I don't need to tell any of you how many people we have dealt with over the past 20 odd years that have either totally dismissed the severity of this condition or simply not been willing to even hear about it at all. Doctors, that told my husband that he should just "toughen up!" family that told us flat out he simply needed phychiatric help.

Today, though I have experienced it first hand over the years, I was none-the-less shocked at the utter indifference of people.

To all of you, our deepest thanks for your support and comfort. I cannot tell you (though I hardly need to I know) how much we appreciate it all.

Today, we begin the fight in earnest!
Today, we vow on the life and tragic death of our dear friend that we will do something. I cannot use his name without the family's consent but we can change it and use the tragic loss as an example. We KNOW that he would have nothing less. We KNOW that to not use this horrific event would amount to murdering him again. Yes! Whomever it was that equated this with his wife murdering him was absolutely right! Lack of support, lack of intervention, lack of LOVE. It all amounts to murdering a sweet, loving gentle man that would suffer so extremely to avoid lying to the woman he so desperately loved! (Though I still don't know why he loved her!)

Again, thanks to you all
We need some time to deal, but we will be back with a vengeance, I will see an end to this nightmare for all no matter what the cost!
Bless you all.
Little Liberty

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