How To Sing The Blues

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Posted by Ted ( on January 23, 2001 at 23:01:16:

I know. Off topic and not my usual type of post. But I liked it:

> >1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
> >2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
> blues, unless you stick
> >something nasty in the next line.
> >I got a good woman--
> >with the meanest dog in town.
> >3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line
> right, repeat it. Then
> >find something that rhymes. Sort of.
> >Got a good woman
> >with the meanest dog in town.
> >He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
> >and he weighs about 500 pounds.
> >4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
> >5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other
> acceptable blues
> >transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound
> train. Walkin' plays a
> major
> >part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
> >6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the
> blues. Blues adulthood
> >means old enough to get the electric chair if you
> shoot a man in Memphis.
> >7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not
> in Brooklyn or Queens.
> >Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a
> depression. Chicago, St.
> >Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to
> have the blues.
> >8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
> >a. violet
> >b. beige
> >c. mauve
> >9. You can't have the blues in an office or a
> shopping mall, the lighting
> is
> >wrong.
> >10. Good places for the Blues:
> >a. the highway
> >b. the jailhouse
> >c. the empty bed
> >Bad places:
> >a. Ashrams
> >b. Gallery openings
> >c. weekend in the Hamptons
> >11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear
> a suit, unless you
> happen
> >to be an old black man.
> >12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
> >Yes, if:
> >a. your first name is a southern state--like
> Georgia
> >b. you're blind
> >c. you shot a man in Memphis.
> >d. you can't be satisfied.
> >No, if:
> >a. you were once blind but now can see.
> >b. you're deaf
> >c. you have a trust fund.
> >13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can
> sing the blues.
> >14. If you ask for water and baby gives you
> gasoline, it's the blues. Other
> >blues beverages are:
> >a. wine
> >b. Irish whiskey
> >c. muddy water
> >Blues beverages are NOT:
> >a. Any mixed drink
> >b. Any wine kosher for Passover
> >c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
> >15. Some Blues names for Women
> >a. Sadie
> >b. Big Mama
> >c. Bessie
> >16. Some Blues Names for Men
> >a. Joe
> >b. Willie
> >c. Little Willie
> >d. Lightning
> >Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not
> be permitted to sing the
> >blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
> >16B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
> >a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,
> Asthmatic)
> >b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon,
> Lime, Kiwi)
> >c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
> Fillmore, etc.)

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