OK. One more post of someone else's humor from me. I promise

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Posted by Ted ( on January 25, 2001 at 09:16:35:

"Some jokes from Andy Rooney (or at least his persona)

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with
I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.
Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what
that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)
"Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off
that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people
there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes." For Cripe's sake. Who
would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy
Moly". I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?

Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused
in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look
in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward Reaching
there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do
that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car
that says, "sexy Senior Citizen". You don't want to think of your
grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should
die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You
get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You

do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade

school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you
become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it
and then I fast forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90
to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs
up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about." This guy probably calls
up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "share the love."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive,
your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

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