Holding My Breath

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Posted by Rachel Merrick ( on January 28, 2001 at 12:00:55:

I was so happy when I first found this site that I wanted to respond to everyone. Then I had my second bout in a 24 hour period and I closed up and used all my energy to hold myself together. Does that make sense? I'm still very glad to have found you but I'm going to pull away now and I hope this poem explains why.

Hands held out in comfort, acknowledgement and welcome, tearful understanding from those that share and know...
Then an overwhelming murmur of voices, waves of sound like rush hour traffic rising to a crescendo...why, how, what, when, where...
grabbing, pulling, needing to know...and all thru the questions there's the sounds of frightened urgency, hope, pain, and fear...
I'm sorry, you're all too much for me... I have to pull back...You see..
They're back again and getting worse, they've got a hold of me.
I can't afford to think or feel, I hold emotions back, for when I feel your sympathy it opens a door that lets my feelings out.
Fear, pain and hopelessness, they wash over me, take me under where nothing matters except to cease.
To cease the physical pain as well as the pain of dissallusionment for the one's who loved me and given up on me.
So for now my friends, forgive me, for pulling away...and holding my breath.

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