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Posted by Jennifer S. ( on February 13, 2001 at 11:04:31:

Howdy...I've just recently visited this amazing site for the first time on 02/12/01 after being diagnosed with CHA. My Dr. examined and re-examined me, sure-nuff it was CHA. For my benefit, I'm overwhelmed that I finally know what's wrong w/ me. Unfortunately I still have to suffer the sleepless nights, long pain enduring days of work. Trying to keep up w/ my 2 y/o son. I've tried so many times explaining how this feels to someone, but they look at me w/ that blank look on their faces, like they haven't the slightest clue what the hell I'm talking about. No matter what, I can't get it out of my head. No meds, which I've tried all kinds, all kinds of home remedies. Nada!!!!
The only thing that makes me some what happy, is putting on SlipKnot or KoRn and banging my head off. Then I can't hear what the Beast is playing in my head. See, I'm a mechanic / soon to be Paramedic / Massage Therapist / FULL time mom. Also on the side, in my spare time, I write. Tonight I wrote something I've never been able to express before, it's about that Monsterous Demon that lingers around and beats the hell out of us....waiting for us to give up, so he can win yet another battle. it goes:

When you receive the Beast, you'll never be the same, your life once filled w/ just a game. You can leave all you want, but you may never cross or journey back through....through the gates of madness, through the gates of hell, if only silence were true.

Sanity is a virtue we no longer possess. Rushing to the chamber door, begging the Demon to rip your heart out of your chest...are we really insane? The "other side" will take you places you've never been before...seeing peace and joy, but realizing it's only a mirage, as "he" slowly closes the blackened door.

Small shadows dressed in the shape of evil, bristling clusters of eye piercing needles, larger shadows dressed in the shape of the Beast himself. Geometric bars of shade from the iron rails of the spear shape points of "his" teeth. Each blot of savaged, bitter pain, welling higher inside of me...pulsating through my veins...seemed to be a potential doorway through which "HE" may emerge.

Striving to the truth, beyond the boundries of bad dreams...comes the screaming, the tearing, the torturing of the one and only, the Beast that thrives on our pain, our suffering, our total and complete helplessness. Until the day comes, when we'll understand....we'll suffer together. JMS 02/12/01

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