Posted by Carl D (18.104.22.168) on March 02, 2001 at 07:30:45:
Well, I am happy to say - I did not sleep yesterday morning as I hoped - but got 2 hours sleep yesterday evening. Then, after talking with a fellow CHead last night, was able to sleep for about 3 hours...
Then, of course as we all know too well the beast in his determinate plan - was awakened for another hour in hell. It does not matter.
Maybe I have truly lost it, but the simple fact of the matter is this: I have declared CH, the beast, my lifelong enemy. If I give in, then he will win. He has nothing to lose, as he is invisible to us all. I, on the other hand, have come to realize that I have so much more to lose - and no one around me has anything to gain from my 'checking out' early. I do not know what affect my presence on this board may have on someone, even if it is just one person. I do not know what my presence in this life may have on one person, even if just one.
As I stated before, when you touch one person, you affect everyone around them in some way. It is a chain reaction - much like the beast itself has. Everything in our lives affect someone in some way. Everything we do affects someone either negatively or positively. Everything matters. Nothing, no matter how small, is insignificant in this world.
Anyone see the old film "My Bodyguard" with Matt Dillon? He plays a bully who taunts this kid day after day for his lunch money. One day, the kid decides to fight back. Eventually - after a long power struggle, he wins. CH is my bully. Everyday he takes something from me. Everyday he taunts and laughs at me. Everyday I find myself in anger for what he has done to me. I find myself in anger for what I have been robbed of. Everyday I find myself counting the regrets and the losses of my yesterdays.
I have stopped counting.
I am mad as Ice-T, DMX, and Mr T at a white pride parade. I am madder than Martha Stewart at an overpriced fabric store. The CH beast will do what he will, but today - I am taking my lunch money back! I am tired of feeling beat up day after day, and how it affects my outlook on each passing moment.
As I am reminded of my own words not long ago: There is purest light in darkest days.
Different forms of art have a deep meaning to me. I am strange and different in that I do not hear music simply like most - But I feel it. The movie I watched yesterday had a strange affect on me. It reminded me there is so much more to this life than we can see. If you choose to, you can count it all as nothing and meaningless. If you choose to, you can look beyond everything and find something that others miss.
I feel like a defiant kid again in some respects. I do not want to go to school today. Instead, I want to stay home and take my toys and play with them. I want to savor each moment of victory when my G.I Joe defeats the mocking Weebles (remember them? They wobble but they don't fall down), by taking a brick, bashing them to pieces, and thus proving that in some form, they will indeed fall down.
So to anyone who is sick and tired of being robbed of the finer, simpler things in life due to the bully of CH - lets band together. There is strength in numbers. Whether or not anyone is with me today, I am going straight up to the bully and saying "Fuck you! I want my lunch money back - each and every cent of it you have taken from me in the last 13 years, you worthless bowel movement of a sow!!!"
Now excuse me. It is daylight, and I am going to go for a walk. Dawn is a feeling - much too revealing!
Maybe I will come home and sleep, or just play with my tinkertoys a moment longer.
P.S. - Georgia - thank you for your kind words. Expect an email from me soon.
And Tami - hang in there. You truly are not alone.
Elaine - be strong. Your strength has had a very dep impact on all of those you have touched.
Love you guyses
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