Mental Atrophy

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Posted by Carl D ( on March 12, 2001 at 04:25:19:

I have been losing it lately. The worst part is, I have not even been real about it. That much is obvious after re-reading my post from the other night. Rocky and his scam and spam crap just happened to be the 2x4 that broke the rhinos back - and I lost it. My post the other night is unexcusable, and should not have been aired out on this board. Someone emailed me and said they had noticed such a difference from my posts from a year ago, and how much more upbeat I am from then.
I have to be honest - I just have not let it all hang out here.
A few months ago, I was on the verge of doing the S ritual. Luckily, I had people like Todd who helped to talk me down a bit.
What no one knows, not my friends, not my family, nor anyone I chat with online... this last couple of weeks have been a major breaking point for me. It has been hell. I keep telling myself things will get better - but then I fight with myself and say it is hopeless and futile; that I am merely going to suffer this incredible torture forever unless I release myself from this earth. That is something I contemplated very heavily this morning; to the degree I actually sat down and wrote out the poz's and neg's of my checking out early. By the time I was done, I just cried for about an hour - and then went into an attack and lost it. What is worse is, I passed out in my bedroom for an hour after the attack, but woke up on my bathroom floor. I don't even know how I got there. I have not been drinking, doing drugs, or strong medicine (unless you find Acetominaphin and aspirin combined to have hallucinatory effects). I woke up disturbed, confused, and in lots of pain. Also had a nice little gash on my leg and had no idea how I got it.

This is just too much. It seems like a viscous cycle that has no end, just terrifying new beginnings. Back into the sleep deprivation again, and increasing in frequency of attacks. The shadows never go away, and today - have been so strong, half of the day was spent with my eye watering. Been eating aspirin and acetominaphin like skittles - but no rainbow of relief here. I would rather watch Bea Arthur and Shelly Duvall do a shower scene than deal with this crap day in and day out. In fact, if it were not for the calendar above my desk, and crossing off the days - I would lose track of what day it is. I am just so unbelieveably tired of this - and realizing as I type, I am once again singing to the choir.

I am just incredibly tired. I am frustrated. I am sick of dealing with pain. I tried the hot sauce. I tried the hot sauce combined with jalapeno juice and cayenne pepper. I tried sleeping sitting up (you eventually fall over). I tried a very hot (almost scalding) shower at the onset of an attack. I tried a mega cold shower that wee willie winkle did not appreciate very much. I have tried ice on my eye, the base of my skull at the back of my head, on my temple, and even let a cube melt into my ear. I even tried nearly electrocuting myself during an attack. Nothing helps. No relief. I am so over this, it is like being forced at gunpoint to watch Barney episodes over and over. I just want it to end. After 3 years straight of this, I would offer my legs as a sacrifice and be wheelchair bound for life to get rid of the pain I am going through.

Now, if I can be honest, open, and not hold back for a moment:
There are two people I have met through this website that have kept me alive. They inspire me to fight when I no longer have a reason to. One of them seems to have disappeared, the other is still here. After knowing what they have been through, I feel like such a whimp for wanting to just end it and say "goodnight".
Drummer has been chronic for 16 or 17 years. He still has a job, and has a family to support both emotionally and financially. I don't know how he does it. He deals with it, and has fought and battled and survived the beast this long. Kudos!!!
And then there is a very special person here who has seen me through some very tough times. She has been suffering with not only chronic CH for 20 or so years, but has also beat cancer several times. She is a downright fighter who has faced many hardships. Even in the face of her adversity, she has encouraged and helped many. She even helped me through a medical fund which helped pay for meds I could not afford for the longest time. She has done so much in spite of her own suffering. She is the ultimate supporter.
Elaine, you are truly one of a kind. You have kept me alive and even talked me out of irrational decisions that would've been my epitaph. You do not know what your strength, words, and help has done for me. I am still alive, and should have been dead and gone a year ago or more. And there are so many here that encourage me, even though they do not realize it. The person who emailed me today (Paul L) said he wished he had a gift for writing and putting how he feels into words. What he didn't realize is - his words made me wake up and fight again.

I know. As usual I am turning a simple little post into a novella. I can't help it though. Right now I hate myself and want to die so desperately, but know it will solve nothing. With that, I will fight - I will cry daily - I will hit emotional depths of lowness that I try to hide with a smile daily, and try to remain as normal as I can to those who are around me. All the while I know I am the FREEk; I am the one that cannot and will never be understood. That is fine. The way my head feels right now, nothing matters. I am shadowing so intensly that all lights are off and my monitor is dimmed to being barely visible. Otherwise, it would hurt my eyes too much.

Sorry for turning this into yet another book. I am just hurting bad. I had a brutal attack before I got back online, and my head is still in the after effects.
I do want to say that, for all of you - I am sorry for my post the other night, and how bad I lost it. However, I am not sorry for the personalized message to those like Mr Rubble who wish to prey upon those of us who hurt, and those of us who would give anything to take that hurt away. Like I said, I would give up my legs. Heck, at this point, I'd even sacrifice wee willie winkle. I would do anything to make this end, as would most of us. That is why we have to be careful.
There are some in this world who know of our desperation, and will do anything they can to profit off of us by offering a false hope. And when they find they have been beaten in the battle of the wits, they decide to do something that could damage not only one person, but several others. Inhaling ammonia, especially to try and abort a CH attack (as we all know too well of thier frequency in which they hit), can totally destroy the respiratory system over a period of time.
Now, if anyone wants to report anything to the FBI, how about reporting a sickie who is recommending a treatment to a desperate people because he is furious that his scam has been thwarted, and so he feels he will just get even by making some sick, or maybe even doing irreversible damage to others, maybe even killing a few along the way.
As Forrest might say, "Thats all I have to say about that."

Carl D

P.S. - I am hanging on, even though the thread is shredding.

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