Posted by Carl D (22.214.171.124) on March 21, 2001 at 22:08:38:
Okay, so I am majorly bummed and out of it.
I tried 3 different times in the last few days to leave a post, but everytime I typed it out and read it back to myself, I couldn't bring myself to hit "submit". I have just been too down lately. It seems for every major 'high' I experience, I hit all new record lows. Since the gig Friday, I have had 3 more gigs offered to us. One 3/31, and then we are headlining a gig 4/7, and another mid June. You'd think I'd be bouncing off walls with glee. Instead, I am pounding my fucking head on the floor.
I have slept 2 hours since Saturday morning, and the attacks have been not only picking up in frequency, but they are lasting up to 3 hours at a time, and I swear to god, there has to be a level 12 out there - cuz I have been hitting it.
Twice in the last week I have had the pleasure of having two seperate idiodic morons who do not know me from Adam, nor my situation, smack me in the head just goofing off. I wanted to kill the last guy who did it. I restrained myself, as he did not know any better, but I went to the coffeehouse both last night and the night before last (been hanging there alot lately), and a guy went to slap me upside the head. I ducked, grabbed his wrist and said "don't even fucking try it, or you will lose an eye!" Later, I explained to him that "I get these headaches you see..."
I still cannot get into my doc until June 5th, but went crazy on the docs office today, and got to speak to the clinic doc. She called in a prescript for "Migranal" (DHE nasal spray), and a prescript for Nortriptyline (to try and make me sleep.) I finally have Medicaid, but when I was first approved, was told I would probably have a spindown of $65.00 a month. I was like, "Okay, I get less than 500 a month to live on, I can't even keep up with bills, will be powerless unless I get some help from the City township. HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY A SPINDOWN WITHOUT ANY MONEY?" I was just a tad bit upset.
After my prescripts were called in today, I called my caseworker who did not answer her line, left a message asking what the hell I am supposed to do with the prescripts, and if I would have to pay anything for them since I have my medical card. She never called back. I called the Public Aid office back 10 minutes before closing time and went off! I told them if I did not get my meds today, I WOULD be calling the Illinois commissioner tomorrow morning ASAP, and would file a complaint. They came back to the phone, and told me I do not have a spindown, and could go get my meds.
I am just so freaking sick and tired of having to battle both the CH's, and the screwed up system. My nerves are completely shot, my body is pissed as hell at me because it isn't getting any rest, and I have been having sharp pains shooting all through my head at various times throughout the day when I am not in an attack. I stay at a level 2 shadow 24/7, unless I eat gobs of aspirin and acetominaphin - both of which have my stomache so ate up it isn't even funny. Once again I have had to pause on the book - and that alone is really depressing the hell out of me.
I am just waiting for my next attack to try the Migranal and see if it works as good as the Ercaf. I have the same fear though that I will wind up in the same horrific situation with this stuff as I did with the Ercaf: Increase in frequency of attacks, and then the risk of losing toes or fingers from overuse. I already took the Nortriptyline in hopes I will get at least a couple of hours sleep tonight. I am just sick and tired of being racked up all of the time. I even got an attack on the way to the coffeehouse last night, and had to sit in my buddy Phils car and ride it out before I could go in.
I just had to get that out of my system. No one around me understands what I am going through, but I am fortunate that I do have a handful of friends who are trying to understand this better.
I am just wasted out on pain and sleep deprivation. Sorry for being in such a mood.
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