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Posted by Carl D ( on April 25, 2001 at 07:14:41:

Things have been crazy lately. I almost feel like I am in some strange episode of 'The Outer Limits'. I found out the reason my friend was killed. His home was being robbed, they took $200 worth of stuff, and brutally butchered him for it. They got the bastards who did it... lets just say it has been crazy times for some of my friends and myself...

I had a decent birthday. It amazed me that so many people had forgot my bday, but I didn't care. One serial kisser I will not name (it begins with 'R')from Italy called to wish me a happy birthday, and it really brightened me up. Though we could barely understand each other, the joy was there. Thanks.

The last two weeks, since the 2nd dose of Psilo (the one that more than rocked my world), I have had maybe 7 attacks. The best part attacks for 5 days straight!!! My head is still just a little sore, but nothing compared to what it usually is. I have shadowed off and on, and a couple of times thought I might go into an attack, but have not. When I had first heard of the 'shroom therapy, I passed it off as someone else's senseless banter about nothing. Another miracle cure that may work for someone, but not everyone, and definitely not me. I am not saying this is a cure. I am not saying it will work for everyone. This is what I will say: I have been chronic for over 3 years now. They were so bad in '94 that I attempted suicide, and those were a walk in the park compared to what I have had since becoming chronic. The only light I could see at the end of the tunnel appeared to be a train coming right for me - to wipe me out for good.

I have been Cluster-free for five days now.

I am sleeping (oh my god, you would have thought I WAS in a coma with how much I have been sleeping) anywhere from 7 - 12 hours at a time. I feel better than I have in ages. I feel like taking on the world and breaking out and being free. I am also discovering something I have lost in the depths of hell these last 3 years. Myself. In fact, most of you have never met the real me, because the real me has been immersed in so much pain that I have become a distortion of myself. If that makes any sense to you. If not, so be it.
I am still working on the book, and pressing myself to be done by the 30th - though I have been sidetracked with other things. I borrowed some recording equipment and began working on some new music, plus my acoustic act "Twin Rivers" is getting alot of attention around here. I have been helping one friend get her life back together, helping another friend get out of an abusive relationship, and have had a couple of close friends who have stuck by me.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. I know I have seemed pretty negative in the past. I find it hard to be positive under the conditions I have been under. It is just hard to even explain. All I can say is... I don't think I need to explain, because most of you have felt the same thing at various points of your own struggle with CH. I hope more of you will take the risk of the 'shroom therapy, and that it will work for you as well. I will not do it again unless I feel them coming back hard. Until then, I am painfree and happier than I think I have beenin years - literally.

Oh, and to everyone who is wondering why they have got no response from emails: I check them half of the time on the fly, and when I respond, it is usually pretty brief. I am trying to keep up with things, but I get sometimes upwards of 30 emails a day that all require some type of response (and that is not including the spamcrap). I feel like I am being spread thin, but at this moment I don't mind. As long as the beast stays away, this boy is gonna have a field day.

This board, and the people who have taken refuge here... DJ, Elaine, Drummer, Jonny, Ike, Flash, Georgia, D.o'C, Terry S, Bob P, Bob G, Todd V, Riccardo,Margi, PinksharkMark, Paco, Nancy L, August... there are so many people I could name here... they have helped me fight this, even when I didn't want to. Even when I was ready to say "Screw you guys..I'm going home!", they would not accept that. They have been an awesome source of strength and support not only for me, but for each other as well.
That is what this place is all about. Clusterheads relating to each other and picking each other up when another falls.

It is the same old world out there, but I am braving it anew.

I love you guys. Keep fighting the beast.
Carl D

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