The Dance

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Posted by Grego ( on April 26, 2001 at 14:41:42:

I posted this to the site a couple of years ago during my last cycle. I got many emails from people who didn't feel so alone anymore, like someone really understood. As I have returned to the game, and the site, I notice the names seem to be different. I am posting this again hoping it will help someone else not feel so alone. My apologies to those have already seen it before.

The Dance

I wake up. Time is everything and nothing all at once.
It doesn't matter what time it is but everything from here on out is timed to the minute.
I invest 30 seconds to lay perfectly still in bed on the hopes that this isn't what it always is.
A wasted 30 seconds everytime.
I look at the clock 4:47 that means it is probably
my third headache of the night, but worse it means SOL, no
more Imitrex today. Time to buck up. I slip out of bed
as quietly as possible but she always wakes up. She
gives me that "please tell me there is something I can do"
look as I kiss her on the forehead. I smile and say
I wish there was something too. In truth her presence
breaks my focus which is my only weapon. It is also still
very humbling to have her see me this way.
Time is wasting and the pain is building. My face
starts to flush while the pain in my eye continues to
grow. I head to the kitchen, my little battlefield.
On the way I turn the AC down to 60 - it has to be cold.
I note the time 4:53. It's going to last one hour. I
can do ANYTHING for one hour.
Ice wrapped in a wet towel first, it slows the pain.
4:59 pain is almost full blown now. My right eye (always,
always, always the right) is practically swolen shut now.
No matter, the room is as dark as I can make it and there
is nothing to see. The saliva in my mouth thickens and
I know it is time to start pacing. I know the house well
in the dark now, getting around is done by memory.
5:11 Its been 18 minutes, only 42 more to go. The
pain persists and I switch to heat. A towel with water
as hot as(often hotter than) I can stand. Heat then cold
always pacing - always switching - never stop, thats what
it wants. Thats when it gets you. Never stop.
5:24 Its been 31 minutes, only 29 to go. I have never
understood how this happens but the pain actually intensifies.
I don't know it its the same pain beating me down or if it
actually is getting worse. I think its like trying to
figure out if three or four thousand pounds was just dropped
on your head. This is it, this is the battle. The hot
and cold no longer have any effect (if they ever did).
The pain is blinding and this is when I break. First
the vomiting then the sobbing. I actually hear the voices
fighting in my head. I fight desperately to regain
my composure and my focus. I've lost my focus, only
pain now.
5:40 I muster the strength to see the time. It is
my lifeline. I KNOW it will end soon. Without that
knowledge I would never have made it this far.
I begin to regain my composure. The pacing and the
heat resume. Thirteen minutes...twelve minutes...eleven
min FREEZE - DON'T MOVE A MUSCLE, not a hair. Right here,
right now, in this exact position, the pain is less.
Tonight I am facing the floor, sometimes the ceiling,
sometimes still on the floor unable to walk. But if I
don't move...focus...don't move. I snap to - it is 5:17 now
I have been standing dead still for seven minutes as
though it were two seconds. The pain returns but I know
I have got it beat now. Time is on my side.
At this point I can physically feel the pain leaving
my eye. I can feel a wall that I control to thwart any
more pain. I finally sit, bewildered, exhausted, drained,
and empty. The pain is gone now. The alarm clock goes
off in the other room. It is 6:00 time for work. Not
a chance in hell. All I can think of now is sleep to
regain my strenght. After all, I have do this over
again in three hours.
If history prevails I will only have 3 more weeks
of this. I CAN do that. Time is on my side. This is
my life now, my soul. This is my dance.
I hope this helps one person not feel so alone. I know
you have all made me feel that way.

Hoping we all sleep the night through


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