Thank you August......(do not open if you are easily offended)

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Posted by Georgia ( on April 27, 2001 at 04:02:20:

In Reply to: Georgia posted by August on April 27, 2001 at 02:17:46:

for caring and for thinking of me. I did post my results under a question about DHE, but it was kind of hidden and I will do it again for those who missed it.

I spent 5 days in the hospital getting an IV of DHE-45, and during those 5 days I was pain free. I truly appreciated the break.

One day after I got home, however, the beast returned with a vengeance. I think he did not like being shut out and he is making up for lost time. I have been at a constant level 4 shadow since then, with peaks more often than I can take. The peaks are lasting between 9-12 hours, with the beast reaking havoc...switching from side to side every hour, at a level 10 each time. I get about a 2 second break in between the lovely little side flip. He doesn't waste anytime building to a 10 anymore, just hits with everything he has in one fell swoop. My ch are worse than they have ever been, so I can not say that the DHE did nothing. It did something alright. Tonight, it was so bad, I was certain I was going to die, I thought it impossible for my eye not to explode. If only I could rip my fucking eyes out...The worst part is that I feel like I put everyone through this whole hospital thing for nothing, got their hopes up only to have them dashed to the floor and shit on.

It is really getting to the point where I can't take anymore. I am just plain worn out. Sore. Exhausted. I live in constant fear. Why won't he just die already? I was ready to. If I only had the energy to do it. I am grateful to have many wonderful people in my life that refuse to let me give up. Fight the good fight, I am told. I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle. My new neuro, the one who put me in the hospital is being a total ass. He refuses to answer my phone calls. You see, he doesn't talk to patients on the phone. He can't make any money that way. And he is just refusing to give me anything worth a shit that will stop this fucking pain. I see him tomorrow and I pity any person that has to deal with me right now. My tolerance is gone.

I am sorry, August. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. But I thank you for asking, and for listening. And thank you to all of the wonderful, brave people who sent me their love, their support, their strength. It means the world to me. And Dennis, my sweet, galient protecter, thank you especially. It is impossible for me to feel cursed with a friend like you.

OK - I have ranted and raved enough. I will let you know what happens tomorrow and if the doc survives. :) Thanks for listening.

Peace and love,

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