I DON'T BELONG ANYWHERE . . . Please Someone Help Me

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Posted by Luke Swan ( on April 29, 2001 at 16:10:04:

I write because I have NO one else to turn to, NOWHERE else to go, and ABSOLUTELY NO one that understands what I’ve gone through or am currently going through. And, if I don’t soon share my feelings with someone who understands EVERY SINGLE EMOTION, which I’m about to describe that I may explode, or perhaps a better word may be, implode.

My doctor told me that I suffered from Severe Intractable Migraines as well as Tension, AND Cluster Headaches. That one could trigger the other two and that I could often wind up with all three simultaneously, which made it even that much more difficult to treat me because you’re often uncertain which one you’re treating.

I don't know if I qualify for this site or not because CLUSTERS are not my only type of headache.

I intend to reach out to migraine sufferers on other sites as well as this one. I simply don't know where I belong anymore.

This is only an excerpt, of an on going 9-page journal which I began a week ago. It had started out as a simple letter, to post on the web in an effort to receive support from others with head pain,and hopefully provide some as well.

However, years of PAIN, ANGER, FEAR, GUILT and DESPERATION came flooding out of me and now I'm uncertain whether or not I can send it. Not because I have anything to hide, but because it is so lengthy that the space required for it may not be available, and also no one will have the time or patience to read it.


I need someone that will STOP, LISTEN, and actually HEAR what I’m saying . . . WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, CONDITIONS or PREJUDICES. And although there are no quick fix answers, I SIMPLY want the PAIN and LOSS of LIVELIHOOD I’ve ENDURED for so long to be COMPLETELY and SINCERELY acknowledged. NOTHING MORE.

I'm 48 years old and my life has been COMPLETELY and TOTALLY DESTROYED by migraines. In fact, Migraines have taken me to the outer regions of HELL, INSANITY and DEATH.

Over ten years ago my migraines became so violent and lasted for such extended periods of time that I became not only UNEMPLOYED but also UNEMPLOYABLE. Without insurance or a powerful union behind me I ended up on welfare, which is where I've been since the fall of 1991. For a year before that I collected UI.

Migraines, Clusters and Tension headaches STRIPPED me of my DIGNITY. For years my Self-Worth, Self-Esteem and Self-Respect seemed to be in the TOILET at the best of times, the SEWER at the worst of times, but somewhere in between MOST of the time.

Nonetheless, I'm in the process of turning my life around.And though I'm going directly from the welfare lines to dealing with multi million / billion dollar organizations, The BATTLE SCARS I carry from years of DESTRUCTION on the HEAD PAIN FRONT LINES, as well as the still recurring ones, threaten to derail me at every turn.

For years I've been considered nothing but a USELESS, WORTLESS, DRUG SEEKING, BLOOD SUCKING, BOTTOM FEEDING, LOW LIFE PARASITE, who deserves to be PATRONIZED, RIDICULED, IGNORED, DISMISSED and AVOIDED . . . on a daily basis.

For years DEATH was my CONSTANT companion. Especially during the migraines. For several years I would go to bed wishing, hoping and praying to die in the middle of the night. In the morning I would curse because I hadn’t died and nearly every waking moment between getting up and going to bed was spent thinking of dying or of killing myself. I . . . JUST. . . WANTED . . . THE PAIN. . . TO GO AWAY. Sadly though, many if not all of you know how I’ve felt. That’s NOT life, that’s BARELY an existence

I‘d like to point out at this time that I am a recovering alcoholic. On June 6th I will celebrate 24 years of continuous sobriety. Which means I’ve not consumed alcohol in any form since that date in 1977, and other than those prescribed by my doctor, I take ABSOLUTELY no drugs, and he monitors those very closely. I haven’t smoked in nearly 23 years and worked for over twenty years before migraines took over my life. I can assure you that I expected more from life back in “77. I was young, ambitious and life would be GRAND. Fate however, had other ideas.

Perhaps my letter is too long to place on your site, however, I still needed to dump some of it on someone.

Thank You,
I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely, Luke Swan

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