Tips for people coming to the convention in Hot Atlanta

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Posted by Elaine ( on April 30, 2001 at 17:46:07:

Here is a list of tips for people planning on coming to the convention in Atlanta. If you already live here, then you will probably see the humor in
a few of these.

Atlanta, Georgia (pronunciation: At-lan-uh, JOR-jah)

Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of
downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach
Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, "Go down
Peachtree..." and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House...".
The only exception is Cobb County where all directions begin with, "Go to
the Big Chicken...".

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused
with Peachtree City, Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane,
Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace,
Peachtree Avenue, Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners,
Old Peachtree, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
Atlantans do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native
signal at a stoplight, to change lanes, or to merge. Never!
Atlanta is home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask for
any other soft drink ... unless it's made by Coca Cola. And even then,
it's still "Coke".

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask
anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree.

Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse so wear
sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors on the trains in the Airport do not
reopen like an elevator if you stick your hand out. And they hurt.

It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started
on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs
to that effect so that out-of-towners don't feel lost ... they're just on
a "scenic drive".
The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30am. The 5 pm rush hour is from 3:30
to 7:30 pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through
2:00 am Saturday.

Do not plan to visit Atlanta during Freaknik. Even if you make it off the
freeway into the city you won't be able to go anywhere and may not make it
out alive.
Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody ... especially those of us
who live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on

"Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a
remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.

"Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Sweetpea".
Honey" is always used by Waffle House waitresses.

Ponce de leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt
the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the
right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is "pahnss duh LEE-on.)
The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all
traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow
in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.

If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's
on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the
grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet
paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow,
people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" T-shirts.

If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to
get on and go somewhere.

It is always Smog Alert Day.

Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of
entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's
version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren't doing their job
properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours
mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated
number one in the country. You will often see people parked beside the
road and engaged in lively discussion.

Atlantans are very proud of our racetrack, known as Road Atlanta. It winds
through the city on the Interstates, hence the name. Actually, I-285, the
loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but
you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over) is known
to truckers as "The Watermelon 500".

Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely
see a semi-truck on GA 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated
by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day
at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus
coming home from the college prep preschool.

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which starts at
120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles,
houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any
allergies, you will die.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless
your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a
full clip.

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