S-o-o-o funny!

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Posted by Joy ( on May 04, 2001 at 08:07:23:

This is supposed to be an authentic letter...whether it's true or not, I thought it was pretty "damned" funny!

> Mr. Ryan De Vries
> 2088 Dagget
> Pierson, MI 49339
> Dear Mr. De Vries:
> SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
> It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
> there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
> of property. You have been certified as the legal land owner and/or
> contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
> maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring
> A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
> A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
> Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
> of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
> Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
> sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
> The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
> failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
> locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
> cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and
> desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a
> free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from
> stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than
> January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been
> completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our
> Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
> the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
> action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
> matter.
> Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
> Sincerely,
> David L. Price
> District Representative Land and Water Management Division
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Dear Mr. Price:
> Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;Montcalm County
> Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
> First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal land owner and/or
> contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a
> couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
> and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my
> Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
> I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
> natural building materials debris."
> I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
> project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely
> there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
> resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
> determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not
> think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit
> to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you
> (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
> (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
> request?
> If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
> Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other
> applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
> there really is a dam violation of Part301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
> Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
> Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
> Laws, annotated.
> I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers
> to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
> and are unable to pay for said representation so the State will have to
> provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
> one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding
> is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is
> to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
> rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the
> stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the
> beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay
> any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English) - be sure
> they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to
> more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.
> you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your
> dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam department seriously
> finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not
> their existence in this State, I seriously hope you are not selectively
> enforcing this dam policy or once again both the Spring Pond Beavers and I
> will scream prejudice!
> In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
> unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
> flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy
> Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
> Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
> (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers
> and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated
> enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond
> Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or
> your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
> In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
> quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually
> defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting
> defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
> investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful
> where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
> unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
> response to your day office via another government organization - the dam
> USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.
> Sincerely,
> Stephen L. Tvedten

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