I wonder how i'm still alive...

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Posted by August ( on May 16, 2001 at 22:08:58:

In Reply to: Wondering... posted by Paco on May 16, 2001 at 21:26:21:

when they get to that level for me , i pray for death , but after i thank God for life.

I'm on a lot of major drugs right now for other things. I can't mix anymore drugs in. I don't have a preventative or abortive, just 02 that doesn't touch the 10's. I've been in prison with 10's with still no break in sight. I grind my head into sharp counters. I push in the heel of my hand into my eye and twist it to distract pain with pain, ....and i cry, i cry a lot. I have night terrors about clusters. I wake up with them, and the night terror is just starting.

I get through one and i start shaking in fear thinking about the next one. I wonder if post traumatic stress is something that applys to us cluster-heads that face this every single freaking day and night for years on end. I wonder how i'm still sane. I wonder what kind of person i'd be if i was free from this prison.

I really don't know how i'm surviving. I think it's because i have some very precious friends and two little ones i'd give my life for. I think in a way i am keeping my life for them.

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